Gladys Defies PC Laws
"Gladys Defies PC Laws"
"CRUNCHBUTTOCK IN TROUBLE YET AGAIN WITH ITALIAN
LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS"
Monday 14th September
This was the headline in the Kidderminster Shuttle, The Beano and the Bewdley WI (Department of Multi-Lingual Origami Training) Gazette.
Whilst on her usual visit to the stall she ran for her friend Dame Hilda Strutspringle on the beach selling wellingtons, pork scratchings, scaffolding, packets of used paper hankies (Only Used Once, honest) and the XXXXXXXX size single occupancy Portaloos with the step ladder and reinforced concrete seats for the larger lady.
The square footballs that were proving very popular since Brexit with pictures of the President of the EU Jean-Claud Van Rumpy Pumpy stuck to each side so that every time you kicked the ball you could shout "Gotcha you useless bastard".
And naturally with some of her home made jam. (Today's was spaghetti and marmalade with Brazil nuts following a recipe given to her by her friend Belinda Smyth-Whitley-Snotcrutch) and of course her pamphlets with the words to the first 847 verses of Jerusalem. Keen to get started Gladys had failed to notice she had reversed into a large road sign advising bathers:
EU DIRECTIVE 68 MILLION AND FOUR, PARAGRAPH 803,
SUB-SECTION 24 AND A HALF, CHAPTER 87
"HEALTH AND SAFETY"
BEWARE
THIS SEAWATER CONTAINS SEAWATER
Keeping her opinions to herself on the usefulness of this advice (She had always done so as not to attract the attention of the local Guardia Di Political Correctness In A Public Place ..........
They had once nicked her for not saying "Please" before asking a gang of nice young three year old's to stop kicking her in the head with their ruby encrusted pink Doc Martins, (These should in fact have been emeralds which were standard gang colours like last year but their leader Mariana Gangstrumple had decided that rubies went better with their new gang issue dummies, pierced nose rings and skull and cross bones tattoo's on each cheek.
Gladys had had to go to each of the children's homes and apologise and even had to buy some of them a new machete which they'd dropped when running off in their 3 litre turbo charged push chairs chanting their gang anthem of Goo Goo f***ing Ga Ga, Goo Goo f***ing Ga Ga.
Putting these thoughts to one side she decided there wasn't much damage to the sign, just needed a bit of dirt rubbed in and a touch of paint to cover over the crack along the bottom, she was certain no one would notice it until she went home later so she set about unloading everything for the stall.
By lunchtime she'd sold 168 pairs of the wellies to those who had read the warning sign and who were still wondering what else could seawater contain other than f***ing seawater and so played it safe by putting them on before going for a paddle.
The scaffolding was proving difficult to shift, for some reason most of those interested felt that the elastic bands she'd used to fit it all together with wasn't the same as using steel bolts, maybe she should change the colour of elastic bands, say a nice red that would match the blood if anyone fell off.
The pork scratchings were quite popular with the mothers who had young babies after Gladys had explained that at their annual International Conference in Bewdley last year The WI heard a talk from a lady from Ashby Dela Zouch who had explained the many benefits to young babies being given pork scratchings, as well as helping the development of strong teeth it kept the little buggers quiet for hours.
XXXX Large Port-a loo
Gladys had to give away some of the packets of used paper hankies (Only used once, honest), to several of the slimmer larger ladies who came out of the Portaloos crying and screaming "And I've only just had me bleedin pubes permed" after lifting a cheek to get more comfortable, had slid off the reinforced concrete seats into the bowl itself.
She'd sold all the square footballs and could hear the pleasing shouts of "Gotcha you you useless bastard" all over the beach.
Her home made jam had mixed results when some of her customers said they might break their teeth on the Brazil nuts that were still in their shells. Just being picky really Gladys thought, nevertheless she would give Belinda Smyth-Whitley- Snotcrutch a call later and ask what she thought about cracking the shelves first.
And getting anyone to join her in singing Jerusalem was next to impossible. Most of those around were on the floor laughing themselves into fits as she squawked on so badly out of tune they thought she was trying to impersonate a Gnu doing something obscene to a Hippopotamus. She's given up trying to sing and had to give away the rest of the used paper hankies (Only used once, honest), and all her pamphlets with the words to the first 847 verses of Jerusalem to mop up the tears of laughter that threatened to create a lake the size of Loch Ness.
Gladys decided she'd had enough for one day, packed all the stuff she had left into the car and was about to drive away when suddenly a beige coloured van with 300 blue flashing lights and a siren belting out "STOP CRIMINAL" pulled in front of her packed with what looked like a gang of shop window dummies in very unfashionable beige uniform's with orange flashing lights spelling out ......
"The Guardia Di Political Correctness In A Public Place. Hit Unit 9"
They were clearly having a problem getting out of the van, every time one of them put a foot on the pavement he pulled it back in and said to the the one behind:
"I'm awfully sorry it wasn't my place to get out before you, you're 35 seconds older than me and we must always avoid the possibility that a member of the public may indeed interpret this as an example of Ageism".
The man he'd spoken to clipped the other round the ear and said
"You bloody silly son of a Whippet Strangler's mother. When apologising you do not say "awfully" on Mondays, only Thursdays and Saturdays when there's an R in the month in a leap year, got it? Now say it again properly.". "I'm very ...", "Stop you bloody cretin no very's on a Monday you soddin pillock, that's only at Easter and Christmas Day you useless brother of a Giraffe's Hair Stylist". The other man then started to apologise again and managed to do so without using the words "Awfully" or "Very".
The one who appeared to be in charge finally got out of the van and carefully checked the others as they left, twice he stopped someone and said ...."Get back in there you bleedin moron it's not a bloody Thursday".
Finally when everyone was out of the van he went round to the driver's window of the van.
.... and I believe we should set an example to the public that we are not about to exceed the rules, now off you go. Oh yea and bring us back 68 pizzas 92 bottles of wine and 605 bottles of beer, but make sure it's dark so none of the bloody public can see you, or that prat Van Rumpy Pumpy who's staying up at the villa with Don Davido Cameroon Di Twoface".
Capitano Di Jumped-Up Boring Nerdface
Returning to his men Capitano Di Jumped-Up Boring Nerdface turned and glared at Gladys and announced loudly
"Please .... oops sorry I'm not supposed to use that word on a Monday, I'd very much ...... oh bugger I said very again".
"Now, Oh Human of Undefined Gender, Race, Religion, Height, Weight, Inside Leg Measurement , Nail Varnish Colour, or Member of Bewdley Book Club and or not Bewdley WI Origami Division" ....
(As he went on he kept thinking for his children's sake and his own sanity don't say bloody please again now you've got this far), ....
"Will you get out of your vehicle, left leg and right arm first as per order 4 million and 9 of the Health and Safety Act, 2016 edition paragraph 92, subsection 6 entitled "Correct Procedure for Exiting A Red Vehicle on a Monday ..... (For blue or other colours refer to section 6.4 "SPECIAL NEEDS" (Bugger it he'd nearly said please again, follow the damned training camp manual), ..... nail varnish first, little finger left hand".
"Bollocks" thought Gladys, as she took the elastic band off the parrot's beak and said into it's hearing aid which he had to wear these days after all that bloody roaring he'd had to do the week before for the Guardia Da bloody Beach,"Get ready".
Gladys's Ferrari
She then got out of the car almost as instructed but unfortunately caught her left hand on the cocktail cabinet she'd had fitted on the dashboard instead of all those silly dials, who needed a speedometer when the legal limit was only one and three-quarters MPH? Having caught her hand on the cocktail cabinet which caused Gladys to fall backwards and get her ankle stuck in that hand strap thing above the window she started to romance
"Mmmmmm Oh Yes Albert tie the other one up as well" popped into her head reminding her that these days she wasn't quite so supple.
She quickly put those lascivious thoughts to the back of mind, untangled her ankle and fell out of the car. She stood up and glared at the row of beige ....
"Alright what do you lot want? I've had a bad day and I've still got to get rid of this soddin scaffolding, so what are you after eh?"
"You're not here about me taking off me flashing bloody Barbed Wrye and Ice Cream identity tag again are you? I was only doing me Yoga with our Goat Anthea in the rose bushes last night and the bleedin Ice Cream keeps melting and running into me soddin truss.
Besides Albert can't do his "Warrior Pose On A Lettuce Leaf " or his "Downward Dog Pose With Double Twist, And Triple Somersault Piked" with me wearing it, it's the flashing lights, puts him right off his stroke poor thing
"So if it's not that what is it? I'm fed up standing around here looking at an excuse for a row of Pickled Onion Addicts who've lost their bleedin vinegar".
Gladys in a Temper
"Do you know who we are Madam" said SS chief Nerdface, "Do you know the trouble you're in, mmm? Just look at the damage you've done to that EU directive sign, go on look at it. You could be be doing 20 years in the Welsh Broccoli mines for that, or even the David Cameroon School of Gay Marriage for Single Sex Chocolate Biscuits ".
"Hang on sunshine" Gladys said "I ain't going there just for denting your stupid f***ing sign, all that Eton Brylcreem running down over his rouge and staining his teeth. No way Snowdrop, I'd sooner work at the BBC, at least they don't show pictures of dangerous things like Asparagus that can distort a child's mind on the TV any more.
At this clear violation of the PC laws chief Nerdface felt he had no choice but to order his team to open fire with their standard issue Polynesian Custard Cream AK47's, but just as he was about to give the order to kill without using the words Awfully or Very because it was a Monday, there was the voice of the parrot.
"Watch it you lot, she's a black belt 9th dan in Origami and she's got 3 razor sharp Poppies, a bloody Chrysanthemum and she put her knickers on the right way round today and she's tooled up to the hilt with the jar of Cannabis,Vodka and Celery jam AND the multi layered Coronation sponge topped with the beef and custard gravy with a sprinkling of caterpillar droppings, you haven't got a hope in hell against her so if you value your lives ......... "
But it was too late, within seconds there were lifeless bits of beige every where.
Gladys moved her car forward 3 or 4 meters before reversing into the sign as fast and hard as she could before driving away delighted that all of the sign that remained was
EU OFF
Later she was watching the BBC News.
"The headlines tonight. The plight of two cardigans that had fallen in love with each other but couldn't get married was brought to the attention of Parliament today and although we are not allowed to show pictures of the cardigans themselves as some viewers may find it too disturbing, Jeremy Corbinski said when asked ...... "
Gladys threw another brick at the TV as she drank her tea while Albert was in the car fixing the new hand strap things with bungee ropes.
TO BE CONTINUED ........
The Blur Memoirs
THE TRIALS OF GLADYS CRUNCHBUTTOCK
"The Blur Memoirs"
In the early years Tony Blur had undergone a specialist operation in "Smile Treatment” to improve his appeal to the media (And to his parents because he had been such ugly baby).
Firstly Tony, having previously had an unfortunate accident while trying to remove a sore wisdom tooth when he inadvertently removed his brain at the same time, was sent to the Gadafi Medical Centre in the back of the chip shop in Harrods where Gladys's daughter Totty (Miss Blond 2017) was doing a level one NVQ course in Dental Lobotomy.
Tony
She had replaced the missing brain with that of a particularly nasty Toad she'd found under a stone at the back of the bike sheds at the Eton College Brothel. She'd then removed the rest of his now redundant wisdom teeth (Her NVQ course had taught her that "Wisdom" in Toads was very over-rated), together with all his other teeth and replaced the lot with a set of the new battery operated dentures from "Gnashers R Us".
(These were guaranteed to produce a fatuous smile every time he spoke which perhaps could be a little off-putting when for instance he'd announced he was suffering from Post Traumatic Erection Disorder having lost the remote control to his beloved Barby Doll and he'd had to do so with a beaming smile on his face and crying floods of tears at the same time. They weren't real tears of course, just implants Totty had put in that flowed freely every time he farted).
Cheery
Around this time Cheery's parents decided to improve the looks of their ugly child and a friend of theirs had recommended the well known clinic "REA & MICKS. Unfortunately they mistakenly sent her to READY-MIX. Since then every time Cheery tried to smile the 56 kilo's of face cement she used to cover up her permanent scowl cracked so much that her face fell off. The only solution was to have what others might see as some trendy face piercings, which were in fact magnetic studs to fix her face back on.
Tony's childhood sexual fixation with dolls had continued until he met Cheery one day in his local Toys R Us store. She'd climbed to the top of the stack of shelves where she was fiddling with the latest Buzz Lighter-year doll trying to get its trousers off, Tony immediately grabbed a Little Miss Moffat doll and quickly climbed up the shelves and soon he and Cheery were writhing in ecstasy (No sooner had Cheery got the pants off Buzz Lighteryear than Tony ripped off Little Miss Moffat left leg and got the KY jelly out. They were truly made for each other and were married the the very next day in the Cathedral in Toy Town.
Little Miss Moffat Buzz Lightyear
Over the years of their married life Tony continued to struggle to control his farts. He'd been to a dinner at the Welsh Ambassador's one night where they'd had Leek Curry for pudding, the next day he farted so much he had to call out the RNLI to stop him from drowning in his own tears. Nevertheless he pursued his career as a door to door Liar Salesman which if successful would qualify to join the elite and become a Politician.
Cheery in the meantime had decided she needed to leave her office as "President of Dodgy Investments" at the HSBC Bank, (Hello from the Salacious Bloodsucking Corporation). This would give her the opportunity to fulfil her ambition of becoming head of the prestigious DPWSGBI ("Devious Politicians Wives And Slimy Grasping Bitches Institute") at its headquarters in the private lounge bar of the new 16 story gold plated Powder Room extension to the Westminster Palace of Expenses Fiddling. If she succeeded this would place her in the ideal position to help Tony to lie his way to the very top of the political cesspit.
To help her achieve this Cheery needed some cash and her latest venture was to buy the whole of Hampton Court with a dodgy Government Housing Grant from some Lefty London Council and turn it into a luxury toilet block, then rent it back to the Royals when they felt the need for a whoopsy. Unfortunately her application for the Grant had stalled because Prince Charles was only prepared to let the project go ahead if she could guarantee that only recycled Puff Pastry Toilet Rolls were used and Mary Berry had told her to get stuffed when he had asked her for the recipe. She was now looking at recycled Toffee wrappers as a substitute.
Tony had won the prestigious Arthur Scargill International Liar Of The Year award at the TUC conference and was proclaimed leader of the Loopy Party, but he couldn't start fiddling his expenses until he'd registered his Goldfish as his Secretary. (The stupid bloody fish had recently broken a fingernail and kept getting her shorthand mixed up).
Cheery had done a secret deal with Diane Abbotski to demolish Buckingham Palace and replace it with a luxury nursing home for select Loopy Party members and Union officials, alongside a giant Toys R Us store where she and Tony could enjoy Doll Fiddling to their hearts content.
Then sadly one day it all went wrong. They had been to a wife swapping party with the President of America George Shrub and his wife Barbrakins when George told him the FBI had discovered little green men on Mars were planing to attack earth with deadly lollipop stick's (Which as it turned out was a complete load of bollocks because the year before when Barbrakins was shagging a particularly nasty little green man on Mars he'd insulted her about the size of the warts on her tits. From that day she swore to get even and invented the story about Lollipop weapons of destruction,
Tony fell hook line and sinker for the lie and immediately ordered the British Army to invade Mars and find all these deadly lollipop sticks. It soon became clear there were no such weapons. Tony was forced to resign as Prime Minister and instead of a life on a Public Speaking tour of the world where he could earn 50 million pounds a minute advising anyone with the IQ of a small mollusc how to be a successful liar.
Would you buy a car from him?
Instead he and Cheery were incarcerated in a room of sheltered housing in "Corbinski Towers" that consisted of some of Corbinski's old bits of beard stuck to the walls as insulation that still had bits of scrambled egg and snot stuck to it. They didn't have many visitors due to the appalling smell and Un-surprisingly failed to fiddle a housing grant to improve it. READY-MIX were called in to permanently remove Cheery's face (They buried it face up in the outside lane of the Customs Control at Dover to discourage illegal immigrants. Since then they'd all gone to WALES).
And finally Totty was called in to remove his Gnashers Are Us dentures, he was then castrated with a pair of rusty garden sheers, a 52 inch dildo was shoved up his ass and a sealed space helmet fixed to his head with a constant supply of Stilton Cheese and Vindaloo Curry Fart pumped into it 24 hours a day.
And the world lived happily ever after .......
I'm A Celebrury
THE TRIALS OF GLADYS CRUNCHBUTTOCK
I'M A CELEBRURY
Gladys had been relaxing in the Jacuzzi at the WI headquarters in the upstairs bar of the Snip & Grapple when she took the call from her friend Alicia Plunge from the Bewdley WI Secret Service Section "MAYJS" (Move And You're Jam Sucker) .......
"Sorry to disturb you Gladys but could you nip down the shops later and get us some nibbles for the meeting later, Dame Grizelda's maid's come down with the wimsey and they've taken her down to the bakery to have her boil off. We don't need much, probably just some Oysters, a couple of pounds of Foie Gras, some Lark's Tongue's, some char grilled porpoise ears, maybe 3 or 4 Roast Swan, a couple of packets of Sheep's Eyes, oh and some of those lovely roundels of Figs, Snails Ears and Ground Caterpillar Testicles in Aspic, Yummy Yummy".
"Of course" replied Gladys, "Albert's gone off Nerd Wangling again with the Vicar. Apparently they've got some new Throstles and you know how men feel about their Throstles, especially in this heat, makes their Thrumbles swell up something awful, so I'll just need to borrow the car".
The WI Runabout
An hour or so later Dame Grizelda's chauffeur Bert turned up in the WI runabout. It had been repossessed from the local Labour candidate after he lost his deposit in the last local Council election and tried to pay the fine in Groats.
Bert dropped Gladys off at the new 56 story Fortnum and Mason built where the old Doctors Surgery was in the town centre car park. Trouble was the planners had got it wrong again as usual, they'd forgotten the preservation order on the Gents Bogs which meant you had to walk through the Urinals to get to get to the tills when checking out. Didn't half stink on a hot day.
An hour or so later and all her shopping done Gladys was waiting in the queue for the till when this woman appeared shoving everyone out of her way.
"Oi yu lo le me fru, out o my way I'm importunt I'm u bleedin selebriy see so shift".
Trixibell
Unfortunately for the poor deluded moron Gladys didn't move but stood her ground.
"Just who are you" Gladys politely asked.
"Wa? Don't be bleedin stoopid corse yer recog ..... ah reckethingy ..... er .... neze? No ... noze? No ang on a jiff I'll git it in a thingy ........ wat the bleedin ell was it? Fuck me wot was that sodin word our Casandra sed in the life style thingy clinik this mornin? .... Regorganize? Recondisterisze? Ang on I'm gitin there ..... use that bleedin word assocyashun thing. Think gal think! FURST ME NIPPLES YEA? .... THEN ME TITS? .... YEA .... AN WHATS THAT BLEEDIN FING OUR GRAN HAS ROUND ER TITS? ... YEA ... A THINGY! A WOTSIT! NAW YA SILLY COW ITS A BRA ..... AN WOTS THAT GOT IN COMON WIV YER SHUES?.... THEY BOFE CUM IN A DIFERUNT SIZE YA SILLY COW! GOT IT MISSES ... Yu goda "Recognasize" me that's it, recognizius me .... caus I'm a bleedin selebrury ..... in it. So course you recog .... (Oh Fuck it) .... Corse ya do darlin .... corse ya do, yer avin me on aint ya .... gora know me mate. Ahh cum on mate yu gora know me, I'm Trixibell .... Trixibell off the bleedin tele, yu gora know me I told ya I'm a bleedin slebrury".
"Got picked out o fouzanda's I did. It wuz in the Tesco in Clacton wen Peers Moron came in lookin for the next star ov is new Realyality Show "I'M A COMPLETE PRAT, GIT ME OVER IT". Wun ands down I did, I wuz the only girl in Esicks that day oo wuz wearin any pants. Well it wuz un axsidunt really. See our Tarqin wuz down to avin is implants that day an I ad the crabs din I?, well in aint fair is it? Cood a bin faitul, I'm scratchin me crak an them bleedin fings jumpin everywhere. An besides, its me kickers wot usually keeps me ankles warm but I put sum soks on as well. Clever, in it?
Gladys felt sorry for the poor creature, took out a razor sharp Gladioli from her pants and threatened to cut the girls vocal cords and put her out of her misery.
"Look dear we don't like that sort of behaviour around here, so firstly please be patient and wait your turn, and secondly please be quiet you sound like a ..... "
But at that point Gladys's voice was drowned out by the public address system and a very posh voiced lady announced .....
"ATTENTION PLEASE WE HAVE A SPECIAL
SECURITY ANNOUNCEMENT".
"THIS IS FOR THE ERRR ""LADY"" AT CHECKOUT 63 INSISTING THAT SHE IS SOMETHING CALLED A "CELEBRITY", WHATEVER THAT JOLLY WELL IS. OUR ANTI NUMPTY SURVEILLANCE SYSTEM HAS IDENTIFIED YOU AS BEING FROM AHM, OH I HATE TO SAY IT, AHM ........... ESSEX. SO JUST FOR YOU HERE ARE A FEW REMINDERS OF HOME"
Finkin
What does an Essex Girls use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex?
She shuts the Cortina's door.
What's the difference between Essex and Mars?
There might be intelligent life on Mars.
Why didn't the Essex Girl go all the way on her first date ?
Cos he didn't pay for her chips.
What’s the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl?
A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
How do you know when an Essex girl has had an orgasm?
She drops her bag of chips.
Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?
It kept falling out.
Why don't Essex girls breast-feed their babies?
Because it's too painful to boil their nipples
Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spaces.
Why don't Essex girls eat bananas
They can't find the zips
What did the Essex Girl say when she was told she was pregnant ?
How do you know it's mine?.
By now Trixibell was in tears.
"Ahhhh ain tha nice, finkin of me lik tha, bless."
Trixibell at Breakfast
At that point the van arrived from the Asylum and the two men in white coats helped Trixibell into the straight jacket.
"Don't worry ladies she'll be alright, we'll get her into the ….. I'M NOT REALLY A CELEBRITY JUST A BIT DELUDED AND A TRULY BORING ATTENTION SEEKING MORON WARD.
"There's no TV on the ward, we just play continuous 24 hour recordings of repeat episodes of Mrs Dales Diary and why she's worried about Jim. They usually get back to normal in 25 to 30 years".
TO BE CONTINUED ........
Women Only Driving School
WOMEN ONLY DRIVING SCHOOL
In this time of Gender equality the Government has agreed to start Women Only Driving Schools. The platform for the course was devised after cameras where placed in strategic areas monitoring
women driving in a variety of places, such as outside schools, supermarket car parks, town and city centres, rural country lanes, dual carriageways and motorways etc.
The Government spokesperson Professor Albert Crunchbuttock DS, VD & Scar, stressed this was essential to maintain the current standard set by the vast majority of women drivers
today.
"It is imperative that at all times you should adhere to the
fundamental points in the sections below and remember, if in doubt carefully observe other women driving”.
Prepare properly
One
When replacing the rear view mirror with one large enough to get your entire body
in to check whether you have put weight on since the last time you wore that dress, ensure the mirror is Anti-Glare, as usual you should never ever allow yourself to be distracted by what's going
on behind.
Two
Allways ensure the plugs you've had replaced where the Wing Mirrors used to be are a good fit for your new electric leg shaver, you don't want to have to lean too far out of the window and run the risk of disturbing your hair.
Three
Remove the yellow post-it notes your husband stuck on the indicators explaining what they're for and throw them out the
window.
Things To Note In Last Year's
Diary
One
On the odd occasion you are sober enough your vehicle's windscreen may need cleaning. It's sometimes necessary to be able
to see out of it, (Not the rear windscreen of course).
Two
Every few years your vehicle may also occasionally need something called “Servicing” so go on Facetwat and find out what a “Garage” is.
"Junctions & Turnings"
One
When you have finally reached the front of the queue at a junction, never ever pull out before first checking your mobile
phone for the last month's messages. And remember Do Not overstretch your arm and run the risk of getting creases in your sleeves by using that blasted hands free thing. Then while you're still
texting your hairdresser to confirm your next appointment just ignore any other vehicles approaching and pull out when you feel like it. (At this point it's best to ignore those loud noises going
on around you, this appointment is very important).
Two
Any time you wish to turn left or right obviously DO NOT let other drivers know
which way you are going, nosey bastards. Even in the unlikely event you have the faintest idea of which way you are going, or in fact where the indicators are situated, you could well chip your
nail varnish in doing so.
And remember, having almost decided which way you want to turn NEVER EVER brake too early, this could well cause a smudge as you are doing your lipstick. (An additional tip is that it's always
best to leave breaking to the very last millisecond if you want to beak-in those new shoes by slamming whichever foot you've chosen that day down as hard as possible on the break pedal, assuming
you've remembered which one it is.
In Town
One
Ensure to drive slowly enough in the town centre so you can do your window shopping at the same time and if necessary stop in the middle of the road and make a note of how much those really nice shoes were.
Two
On two way streets less than a quarter of a mile wide always be aware of the width of your vehicle. If the space between
you and any oncoming traffic is likely to be less than 25 meters stop and remain in your position a minimum of 5 meters from the curb on your left. And it's probably advisable at this time to
paint your toe nails until the danger has passed.
Out of Town
At any time should there be less than 500 vehicles in a queue behind you, you are driving too fast, so slow down, regardless of whether you have finished putting in your new earrings, still changing your pants, or trying on your new shoes.
Three
Never ever go above 5 miles an hour whilst in the outside or middle lane of a motorway, and take great care to keep looking straight ahead ignoring any horns blowing, or rude hand gestures coming from other drivers as this may cause you to lose your concentration whilst trying on your new Bra. And under no circumstances ever let anyone into the lane that you have decided is your own personal property.
Parking
One
When Parking at public car parks or Supermarkets make sure you have enough room to get out so you wont crease your new blouse, and if somone else has taken up too much space just nudge them out of the way.
Two
When parking in the street always ensure you wait in the middle of the road and block the traffic both ways if you can
whilst all 4 lorries and the 3 buses have been moved to allow you sufficient space to go in forwards. This is partly because you will almost certainly have no idea where reverse gear is, and
partly that, even if you were lucky enough to find it, turning around to see where you are going you may well disturb you hair on the head rest as well as creasing your new
top.
With A Man In The Car
And at all times remember ......
Your rights as a woman driver under Gender Equality laws entitle you to drive any
bloody way you like, in the safe knowledge that the police and other law enforcement agencies will be scared shitless to prosecute you lest they be accused by all the liberal minded Do-Gooders,
the Gay & Lesbian Community and the BBC of sexism.
Professor Albert Crunchbuttock DS, VD & Scar
Beencounters (Preface)
MARIO & STEFANIA
Bean Counters (Preface)
Before recounting this tail it is important to define "Bean Counter". Sometimes referred to as an "Accountant", or more often as an "Acuntant", they can be male, female, transvestite, hermaphrodite, or undead and they all possess certain unique characteristics, IE: Mean, selfish, devious, Grade A liar's and self important to Olympian proportions together with the interpersonal skills of a Woodlouse after a Lobotomy
And last month's edition of "Masturbation Methods For The Sexually Unfulfilled Bean Counter Wives" magazine quotes, "Sexually they all seem to have the flair and imagination of a Radish, and really ladies I still wonder why the F*** I didn't listen to my mother before we got married. She'd told me my dad was a Bean Counter and the only way she'd got pregnant was to use the Dyson Spunk Vacuum Special while he was asleep and then quickly lie on her back and use the 7,000 kilowatt extended dildo attachment on the ejaculation setting.
Her husband had died one night when she'd accidentally switched the spunk extractor to blow instead of suck and his balls exploded. My advise ladies, get the Dyson,
it works for me