THE TRIALS OF GLADYS CRUNCHBUTTOCK
"The Blur Memoirs"
In the early years Tony Blur had undergone a specialist operation in "Smile Treatment” to improve his appeal to the media (And to his parents because he had been such ugly baby).
Firstly Tony, having previously had an unfortunate accident while trying to remove a sore wisdom tooth when he inadvertently removed his brain at the same time, was sent to the Gadafi Medical Centre in the back of the chip shop in Harrods where Gladys's daughter Totty (Miss Blond 2017) was doing a level one NVQ course in Dental Lobotomy.
She had replaced the missing brain with that of a particularly nasty Toad she'd found under a stone at the back of the bike sheds at the Eton College Brothel. She'd then removed the rest of his now redundant wisdom teeth (Her NVQ course had taught her that "Wisdom" in Toads was very over-rated), together with all his other teeth and replaced the lot with a set of the new battery operated dentures from "Gnashers R Us".
(These were guaranteed to produce a fatuous smile every time he spoke which perhaps could be a little off-putting when for instance he'd announced he was suffering from Post Traumatic Erection Disorder having lost the remote control to his beloved Barby Doll and he'd had to do so with a beaming smile on his face and crying floods of tears at the same time. They weren't real tears of course, just implants Totty had put in that flowed freely every time he farted).
Around this time Cheery's parents decided to improve the looks of their ugly child and a friend of theirs had recommended the well known clinic "REA & MICKS. Unfortunately they mistakenly sent her to READY-MIX. Since then every time Cheery tried to smile the 56 kilo's of face cement she used to cover up her permanent scowl cracked so much that her face fell off. The only solution was to have what others might see as some trendy face piercings, which were in fact magnetic studs to fix her face back on.
Tony's childhood sexual fixation with dolls had continued until he met Cheery one day in his local Toys R Us store. She'd climbed to the top of the stack of shelves where she was fiddling with the latest Buzz Lighter-year doll trying to get its trousers off, Tony immediately grabbed a Little Miss Moffat doll and quickly climbed up the shelves and soon he and Cheery were writhing in ecstasy (No sooner had Cheery got the pants off Buzz Lighteryear than Tony ripped off Little Miss Moffat left leg and got the KY jelly out. They were truly made for each other and were married the the very next day in the Cathedral in Toy Town.
Little Miss Moffat Buzz Lightyear
Over the years of their married life Tony continued to struggle to control his farts. He'd been to a dinner at the Welsh Ambassador's one night where they'd had Leek Curry for pudding, the next day he farted so much he had to call out the RNLI to stop him from drowning in his own tears. Nevertheless he pursued his career as a door to door Liar Salesman which if successful would qualify to join the elite and become a Politician.
Cheery in the meantime had decided she needed to leave her office as "President of Dodgy Investments" at the HSBC Bank, (Hello from the Salacious Bloodsucking Corporation). This would give her the opportunity to fulfil her ambition of becoming head of the prestigious DPWSGBI ("Devious Politicians Wives And Slimy Grasping Bitches Institute") at its headquarters in the private lounge bar of the new 16 story gold plated Powder Room extension to the Westminster Palace of Expenses Fiddling. If she succeeded this would place her in the ideal position to help Tony to lie his way to the very top of the political cesspit.
To help her achieve this Cheery needed some cash and her latest venture was to buy the whole of Hampton Court with a dodgy Government Housing Grant from some Lefty London Council and turn it into a luxury toilet block, then rent it back to the Royals when they felt the need for a whoopsy. Unfortunately her application for the Grant had stalled because Prince Charles was only prepared to let the project go ahead if she could guarantee that only recycled Puff Pastry Toilet Rolls were used and Mary Berry had told her to get stuffed when he had asked her for the recipe. She was now looking at recycled Toffee wrappers as a substitute.
Tony had won the prestigious Arthur Scargill International Liar Of The Year award at the TUC conference and was proclaimed leader of the Loopy Party, but he couldn't start fiddling his expenses until he'd registered his Goldfish as his Secretary. (The stupid bloody fish had recently broken a fingernail and kept getting her shorthand mixed up).
Cheery had done a secret deal with Diane Abbotski to demolish Buckingham Palace and replace it with a luxury nursing home for select Loopy Party members and Union officials, alongside a giant Toys R Us store where she and Tony could enjoy Doll Fiddling to their hearts content.
Then sadly one day it all went wrong. They had been to a wife swapping party with the President of America George Shrub and his wife Barbrakins when George told him the FBI had discovered little green men on Mars were planing to attack earth with deadly lollipop stick's (Which as it turned out was a complete load of bollocks because the year before when Barbrakins was shagging a particularly nasty little green man on Mars he'd insulted her about the size of the warts on her tits. From that day she swore to get even and invented the story about Lollipop weapons of destruction,
Tony fell hook line and sinker for the lie and immediately ordered the British Army to invade Mars and find all these deadly lollipop sticks. It soon became clear there were no such weapons. Tony was forced to resign as Prime Minister and instead of a life on a Public Speaking tour of the world where he could earn 50 million pounds a minute advising anyone with the IQ of a small mollusc how to be a successful liar.
Would you buy a car from him?
Instead he and Cheery were incarcerated in a room of sheltered housing in "Corbinski Towers" that consisted of some of Corbinski's old bits of beard stuck to the walls as insulation that still had bits of scrambled egg and snot stuck to it. They didn't have many visitors due to the appalling smell and Un-surprisingly failed to fiddle a housing grant to improve it. READY-MIX were called in to permanently remove Cheery's face (They buried it face up in the outside lane of the Customs Control at Dover to discourage illegal immigrants. Since then they'd all gone to WALES).
And finally Totty was called in to remove his Gnashers Are Us dentures, he was then castrated with a pair of rusty garden sheers, a 52 inch dildo was shoved up his ass and a sealed space helmet fixed to his head with a constant supply of Stilton Cheese and Vindaloo Curry Fart pumped into it 24 hours a day.
And the world lived happily ever after .......