WOMEN ONLY DRIVING SCHOOL
In this time of Gender equality the Government has agreed to start Women Only Driving Schools. The platform for the course was devised after cameras where placed in strategic areas monitoring
women driving in a variety of places, such as outside schools, supermarket car parks, town and city centres, rural country lanes, dual carriageways and motorways etc.
The Government spokesperson Professor Albert Crunchbuttock DS, VD & Scar, stressed this was essential to maintain the current standard set by the vast majority of women drivers today.
"It is imperative that at all times you should adhere to the fundamental points in the sections below and remember, if in doubt carefully observe other women driving”.
When replacing the rear view mirror with one large enough to get your entire body
in to check whether you have put weight on since the last time you wore that dress, ensure the mirror is Anti-Glare, as usual you should never ever allow yourself to be distracted by what's going
Allways ensure the plugs you've had replaced where the Wing Mirrors used to be are a good fit for your new electric leg shaver, you don't want to have to lean too far out of the window and run the risk of disturbing your hair.
Remove the yellow post-it notes your husband stuck on the indicators explaining what they're for and throw them out the
Things To Note In Last Year's
On the odd occasion you are sober enough your vehicle's windscreen may need cleaning. It's sometimes necessary to be able
to see out of it, (Not the rear windscreen of course).
Every few years your vehicle may also occasionally need something called “Servicing” so go on Facetwat and find out what a “Garage” is.
"Junctions & Turnings"
When you have finally reached the front of the queue at a junction, never ever pull out before first checking your mobile
phone for the last month's messages. And remember Do Not overstretch your arm and run the risk of getting creases in your sleeves by using that blasted hands free thing. Then while you're still
texting your hairdresser to confirm your next appointment just ignore any other vehicles approaching and pull out when you feel like it. (At this point it's best to ignore those loud noises going
on around you, this appointment is very important).
Any time you wish to turn left or right obviously DO NOT let other drivers know
which way you are going, nosey bastards. Even in the unlikely event you have the faintest idea of which way you are going, or in fact where the indicators are situated, you could well chip your
nail varnish in doing so.
And remember, having almost decided which way you want to turn NEVER EVER brake too early, this could well cause a smudge as you are doing your lipstick. (An additional tip is that it's always best to leave breaking to the very last millisecond if you want to beak-in those new shoes by slamming whichever foot you've chosen that day down as hard as possible on the break pedal, assuming you've remembered which one it is.
Ensure to drive slowly enough in the town centre so you can do your window shopping at the same time and if necessary stop in the middle of the road and make a note of how much those really nice shoes were.
On two way streets less than a quarter of a mile wide always be aware of the width of your vehicle. If the space between
you and any oncoming traffic is likely to be less than 25 meters stop and remain in your position a minimum of 5 meters from the curb on your left. And it's probably advisable at this time to
paint your toe nails until the danger has passed.
Out of Town
At any time should there be less than 500 vehicles in a queue behind you, you are driving too fast, so slow down, regardless of whether you have finished putting in your new earrings, still changing your pants, or trying on your new shoes.
Never ever go above 5 miles an hour whilst in the outside or middle lane of a motorway, and take great care to keep looking straight ahead ignoring any horns blowing, or rude hand gestures coming from other drivers as this may cause you to lose your concentration whilst trying on your new Bra. And under no circumstances ever let anyone into the lane that you have decided is your own personal property.
When Parking at public car parks or Supermarkets make sure you have enough room to get out so you wont crease your new blouse, and if somone else has taken up too much space just nudge them out of the way.
When parking in the street always ensure you wait in the middle of the road and block the traffic both ways if you can
whilst all 4 lorries and the 3 buses have been moved to allow you sufficient space to go in forwards. This is partly because you will almost certainly have no idea where reverse gear is, and
partly that, even if you were lucky enough to find it, turning around to see where you are going you may well disturb you hair on the head rest as well as creasing your new
With A Man In The Car
And at all times remember ......
Your rights as a woman driver under Gender Equality laws entitle you to drive any
bloody way you like, in the safe knowledge that the police and other law enforcement agencies will be scared shitless to prosecute you lest they be accused by all the liberal minded Do-Gooders,
the Gay & Lesbian Community and the BBC of sexism.
Professor Albert Crunchbuttock DS, VD & Scar