THE TRIALS OF GLADYS CRUNCHBUTTOCK
I'M A CELEBRURY
Gladys had been relaxing in the Jacuzzi at the WI headquarters in the upstairs bar of the Snip & Grapple when she took the call from her friend Alicia Plunge from the Bewdley WI Secret Service Section "MAYJS" (Move And You're Jam Sucker) .......
"Sorry to disturb you Gladys but could you nip down the shops later and get us some nibbles for the meeting later, Dame Grizelda's maid's come down with the wimsey and they've taken her down to the bakery to have her boil off. We don't need much, probably just some Oysters, a couple of pounds of Foie Gras, some Lark's Tongue's, some char grilled porpoise ears, maybe 3 or 4 Roast Swan, a couple of packets of Sheep's Eyes, oh and some of those lovely roundels of Figs, Snails Ears and Ground Caterpillar Testicles in Aspic, Yummy Yummy".
"Of course" replied Gladys, "Albert's gone off Nerd Wangling again with the Vicar. Apparently they've got some new Throstles and you know how men feel about their Throstles, especially in this heat, makes their Thrumbles swell up something awful, so I'll just need to borrow the car".
The WI Runabout
An hour or so later Dame Grizelda's chauffeur Bert turned up in the WI runabout. It had been repossessed from the local Labour candidate after he lost his deposit in the last local Council election and tried to pay the fine in Groats.
Bert dropped Gladys off at the new 56 story Fortnum and Mason built where the old Doctors Surgery was in the town centre car park. Trouble was the planners had got it wrong again as usual, they'd forgotten the preservation order on the Gents Bogs which meant you had to walk through the Urinals to get to get to the tills when checking out. Didn't half stink on a hot day.
An hour or so later and all her shopping done Gladys was waiting in the queue for the till when this woman appeared shoving everyone out of her way.
"Oi yu lo le me fru, out o my way I'm importunt I'm u bleedin selebriy see so shift".
Unfortunately for the poor deluded moron Gladys didn't move but stood her ground.
"Just who are you" Gladys politely asked.
"Wa? Don't be bleedin stoopid corse yer recog ..... ah reckethingy ..... er .... neze? No ... noze? No ang on a jiff I'll git it in a thingy ........ wat the bleedin ell was it? Fuck me wot was that sodin word our Casandra sed in the life style thingy clinik this mornin? .... Regorganize? Recondisterisze? Ang on I'm gitin there ..... use that bleedin word assocyashun thing. Think gal think! FURST ME NIPPLES YEA? .... THEN ME TITS? .... YEA .... AN WHATS THAT BLEEDIN FING OUR GRAN HAS ROUND ER TITS? ... YEA ... A THINGY! A WOTSIT! NAW YA SILLY COW ITS A BRA ..... AN WOTS THAT GOT IN COMON WIV YER SHUES?.... THEY BOFE CUM IN A DIFERUNT SIZE YA SILLY COW! GOT IT MISSES ... Yu goda "Recognasize" me that's it, recognizius me .... caus I'm a bleedin selebrury ..... in it. So course you recog .... (Oh Fuck it) .... Corse ya do darlin .... corse ya do, yer avin me on aint ya .... gora know me mate. Ahh cum on mate yu gora know me, I'm Trixibell .... Trixibell off the bleedin tele, yu gora know me I told ya I'm a bleedin slebrury".
"Got picked out o fouzanda's I did. It wuz in the Tesco in Clacton wen Peers Moron came in lookin for the next star ov is new Realyality Show "I'M A COMPLETE PRAT, GIT ME OVER IT". Wun ands down I did, I wuz the only girl in Esicks that day oo wuz wearin any pants. Well it wuz un axsidunt really. See our Tarqin wuz down to avin is implants that day an I ad the crabs din I?, well in aint fair is it? Cood a bin faitul, I'm scratchin me crak an them bleedin fings jumpin everywhere. An besides, its me kickers wot usually keeps me ankles warm but I put sum soks on as well. Clever, in it?
Gladys felt sorry for the poor creature, took out a razor sharp Gladioli from her pants and threatened to cut the girls vocal cords and put her out of her misery.
"Look dear we don't like that sort of behaviour around here, so firstly please be patient and wait your turn, and secondly please be quiet you sound like a ..... "
But at that point Gladys's voice was drowned out by the public address system and a very posh voiced lady announced .....
"ATTENTION PLEASE WE HAVE A SPECIAL
"THIS IS FOR THE ERRR ""LADY"" AT CHECKOUT 63 INSISTING THAT SHE IS SOMETHING CALLED A "CELEBRITY", WHATEVER THAT JOLLY WELL IS. OUR ANTI NUMPTY SURVEILLANCE SYSTEM HAS IDENTIFIED YOU AS BEING FROM AHM, OH I HATE TO SAY IT, AHM ........... ESSEX. SO JUST FOR YOU HERE ARE A FEW REMINDERS OF HOME"
What does an Essex Girls use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex?
She shuts the Cortina's door.
What's the difference between Essex and Mars?
There might be intelligent life on Mars.
Why didn't the Essex Girl go all the way on her first date ?
Cos he didn't pay for her chips.
What’s the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl?
A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
How do you know when an Essex girl has had an orgasm?
She drops her bag of chips.
Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?
It kept falling out.
Why don't Essex girls breast-feed their babies?
Because it's too painful to boil their nipples
Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spaces.
Why don't Essex girls eat bananas
They can't find the zips
What did the Essex Girl say when she was told she was pregnant ?
How do you know it's mine?.
By now Trixibell was in tears.
"Ahhhh ain tha nice, finkin of me lik tha, bless."
Trixibell at Breakfast
At that point the van arrived from the Asylum and the two men in white coats helped Trixibell into the straight jacket.
"Don't worry ladies she'll be alright, we'll get her into the ….. I'M NOT REALLY A CELEBRITY JUST A BIT DELUDED AND A TRULY BORING ATTENTION SEEKING MORON WARD.
"There's no TV on the ward, we just play continuous 24 hour recordings of repeat episodes of Mrs Dales Diary and why she's worried about Jim. They usually get back to normal in 25 to 30 years".
TO BE CONTINUED ........