MARIO & STEFANIA
Before recounting this tail it is important to define "Bean Counter". Sometimes referred to as an "Accountant", or more often as an "Acuntant", they can be male, female, transvestite, hermaphrodite, or undead and they all possess certain unique characteristics, IE: Mean, selfish, devious, A Grade liar's and self important to Olympian proportions together with the interpersonal skills of a Woodlouse after a Lobotomy
An excerpt taken from the handbook entitled "The Institute Of The Most Useless F***ers In The World Today" quotes, "There isn't a single one of them throughout mankind's entire history that has contributed one iota of benefit to society without first ensuring that he himself grabs the biggest slice of the cake."
And last month's edition of "Masturbation Methods For The Sexually Unfulfilled Bean Counter Wives" magazine quotes, "Sexually they all seem to have the flair and imagination of a Radish, and really ladies I still wonder why the F*** I didn't listen to my mother before we got married. She'd told me my dad was a Bean Counter and the only way she'd got pregnant was to use the Dyson Spunk Vacuum Special while he was asleep and then quickly lie on her back and use the 7,000 kilowatt extended dildo attachment on the ejaculation setting.
Her husband had died one night when she'd accidentally switched the spunk extractor to blow instead of suck and his balls exploded. My advise ladies, get the Dyson, it works for me.
The Bean Counter
Mario and Stefania had led a very simple life under the protection of their uncle who just happened to be the local Mafia boss Don Tossalot. They didn't need to leave the villa for much, their equivalent of "Internet Shopping" simply required sending a couple of the "Boys" into town who brought back most of the contents of Franco's local supermarket.
(Gratis of course as Franco was quite happy to avoid the alternative of having his other testicle removed with a pair of blunt garden shears, and his wife Melonia-D-cup would not have to go back to hand washing the sheets and cleaning out the spittoons at the brothel every Sunday before Mass and later after the Nuns has finished their stint in the barrel).
Similarly money, or anything to do with either the making or spending of it, was never an issue and certainly never ever involved anyone who thought they knew better than Don Tossalot. After all, although he was completely illiterate, having never been to school in his life, he had that finest of attributes known to man, "Common Sense" (That and a bloody big gun).
And, like most other people who had common sense, he failed completely to understand the principle of why you should give your money to someone else (Especially some slimy lobotomised git from Acuntancy School), then let them lose it and then actually expect the f***er to get paid for their stupidity.
The whole idea was bloody madness and, in order to eliminate this despicable practice, the Don ordered that anyone found trying to con innocent people in this way was first to be castrated and then forced to live with his wife's mother and endure endless sleepless nights cleaning the rice paper condoms, and listening to her constant bitching about what a useless F***ing weasel of a husband he was to her beautiful 38 stone daughter Isabella.
Thus when Mario and Stefania moved to a remote part of the Welsh hills for a 5 year sabbatical .....
(Conversely known as being "On The Run". Until things died down after the deaths of the 3 nuns and 2 Bishops involved in a bunga bunga party at a local Lambretta convention, when Stefania mistook the pasta for the tripe that contained 100% pure cocaine destined for the notorious illegal drugs market in Ashby-de-la-Zouch).
One of their first thoughts was where to keep the €65,000,000 forged euro notes they had bought with them as a little spending money. They pondered this for several months until one day they met someone who loosely resembled a human being having sex with a Leak and groaning in what they thought was English, Oooo ... Ahhhhh ... Eeee ..... Boyo .... and who, lying exhausted and having taken the condom off the Leak and after a brief chat suggested that if they wanted to get some of their euros converted into pounds they could try the bank in nearby Igygusssukyyyyybach.
Bank"? Stafania asked Mario later "What's a Bank"? "It's a place where Don Tossalot sent some of the boys to get some money from last year. It wasn't difficult, the boys only"y had to kill 3 people and rape two of the women who worked there before they were shot when leaving. Took bloody ages to get the mob back up to full strength. Anyway someone told me they keep money there and maybe they can look after ours too".
Arriving in Igygusssukyyyyybach the next day they could hardly miss the gold painted 156 story tower block with the 90 foot flashing neon sign "BANK" on the front, they were conducted to the Head Bean Counter's PA's PA's PA's PA's PA's office and told to wait.
When he'd heard someone had actually come in and asked if the bank could look after their money for a while the Head Bean counter Alginon Pickle Brain quickly tucked in his monogrammed pink satin lace Y fronts, pulled up the solid silver zip of his hand made Saville Row trousers and told the 83 year old widow to cover her tits up and get in the cupboard, they could discuss the overdue 85% interest rate on her Meals On Wheels account later.
Four hours and a bottle of the Bollinger 1823 Special Reserve Bank Champagne and 3 Beluga Bank Caviar Toasties later he greeted them with his best Piranha smile
showing off the solid gold bridgework he'd recently had implanted as a reward from head office for"Avaricious Bastard Of The Month.
"I understand that you wish to make a deposit into this branch of the TSB Bank" (Totally Slimy Bastards, which was almost as accurately descriptive as the HSBC Bank, Hello from the Salacious Bloodsuckers Corporation).
As Mario and Stefania sat and listened they looked around the palatial gilt and marble decorated office surrounded by the 16 gilt framed photos of every banker's hero, Fred the Shred ..... Pickle Brain went straight in for the kill.
"Depending on how much you wish to deposit we have several options. For instance there's our basic starter package requiring a minimum deposit of £500 which we call our SBD Account ....."
SAD BASTARDS DEPOSIT ACCOUNT.
Designed specifically for anyone living on benefits and other suckers not entitled to Legal Aid who can't afford to sue us for fraud, which pays you nothing in interest and, for only £100 a week in charges, we guarantee you will get into so much debt to us you'll have to sell your pet Goldfish as well as your children..
"Or for those depositing a minimum of £5000 there's our TYBO Account ..... "
TWIST YOUR BALLS OFF ACCOUNT.
For those working hard and wishing to save for their future where we will actually pay you 0.00000000.1% interest and charges are kept to a minimum of only £50 a day or 10% of the value of your total savings, whichever is the greater that day. Your Credit Card is automatically upgraded to Tin level with a £2.50 limit applicable anywhere her in Igygusssukyyyyybach.
And you will be entitled to take advantage of the bank's many exiting money saving offers such as the reduced rate of only £1000 per week for your House and Contents Insurance with coverage up to 50 pence of everything you own, or for a meagre £200 per month our Life Insurance policy with a one off lump sum payment of £3.50, providing of course you report the death of the insured within a maximum 3 seconds.
"And finally if you deposit at least £10,000 we have our exclusive award winning NWRGFO Account ..... "
NOW WE'RE REALLY GONA F*** YOU OVER ACCOUNT.
Designed specifically to contrive a way of making it
look difficult to add 2 and 2 and convince the bloody morons that a Bankers job is very complex and "vitally important" and at least beyond the understanding of
a 3 day old blind one legged Gnu with mumps, or alternatively when the calculator breaks down.
(See chapter 3)
The ultimate aim in convincing these morons about
just how "vitally important" the Banks are is of course .....
BONUSES, Yummy Yummy Yummy ..... and as we each move up the corporate ladder, contributing absolutely F*** all, naturally our Bonuses increase commensurate with the lies we invent, together with all that crap about how trustworthy banks are. (It all started when Pinnichio was first employed by the banks to invent their Terms and Conditions but his nose grew so long in doing so most people thought it was a replica of the Forth Road Bridge).,
Pickle Brain smiling to himself secure in the knowledge that here were yet another pair of muppets stupid enough to believe all that bollocks about Bankers being Trustworthy confidently announced ....
"So sir, madam, which of these golden opportunities would you like to take up
with us today?"
Whilst Stefania had clearly become bored senseless by this slimy little Tortellini the moment she'd set eyes on him (Thereafter texting back and forth to her mama about whether the nuns should be allowed to use rice paper or newspaper condoms), she never heard a word the slug had said, and it was only about money anyway, "Money! Pah! Porrrrrca Miseriaaaaaa!".
Mario too had other things on his mind, "Who the f*** is this useless c**t ? And what the
hell does he mean by saying the bank have the f***ing nerve to charge me for keeping my money and the only ones to benefit is the f***ing bank"?
And then slowly he remembered the advice of his Don, "Remember what these
wankers don't have in common with normal people? No F***ing Common-Sense!!!
Later, after leaving the slimy git in shock because they had refused to take up any of his wonderful options, Mario and Stefania went straight to the Co-Op Bach Boyo Bar for a Leak and Banana cocktail and called Don Tossalot "You ain't gonna believe who just
tried to rip us off ...."
That afternoon Don Tossalot's boys arrived in Igygusssukyyyyybach. Three days
later the headlines in all the national papers read:
Horse Being Treated For Shock
"A horse is today being treated by specialist police trauma councillors in Cardiff for shock having woken up with his hay covered in blood yesterday morning and next to him the gruesome sight of a blood soaked severed human head.
Following further police investigations they believe the head once belonged to one Alginon Pickle Brain head Bean Counter of the TSB branch in Igygusssukyyyyybach.
Later a Police statement said that, because of the minor nature of the crime, no further investigations were needed. He was only a bleedin Bean Counter.
Soon after Mario and Stefania moved to the north of Scotland believing they could avoid these terrible Banking people, but .....
Up there, a Banker AND A Scotsman? "Ya lost yer fukin mind laddy?, Now yer really are in the shit".
Mario & Stefania's Travels
To be continued ................