Trouble At The Top












Gladys and her WI friend Caroline Pole-Jumper (No not her majesty, this one had a passion for the the drink which can't be a bad thing), were walking through the woods one evening looking for fern fronds, toadstool roots and Wild Snail Droppings, (This mixed with Marmite made excellent colostomy bags for the more unfortunate ladies in the WI when caught short on one of the walks). The added advantage was those ferns not used where sharpened with GIN & LIME and used by those brave ladies in the Bewdley WI Secret Service Section "MAYJS" (Move And You're Jam Sucker) and headed by none other than Dame Alicia Plunge




Caroline Pole Jumper



 (Alicia, previously known as Esmeralda Nut-Cruncher when she'd worked as a Social Worker in the Zebra Enclosure at the Safari Park, had been wrongly accused of having an illicit sexual relationship with an Elk in the next pen. This was totally untrue, in fact she'd been having it off with that randy looking Antelope but that wasn't the point. Before she handed in her Social Worker's badge and left she had a quick one nighter with one of the Chimpanzees and told him the Elk had crabs and he who would give them to the Gnu, who would then give them to the Armadillo, who would give them to the Yeti, who would then give them to the Head of Social Services and she was the bastard that had started the lie in the first place, (Just because Esmeralda wouldn't share her bloody jam doughnuts at Management meetings).





Dame Alicia Plunge 


When Gladys and Caroline got back after a few Gin and Limes in the bar of the Methodist church they went through to the meeting, which this week was an emergency meeting on the contentious subject of banning Nerd Wranglers. This had been discussed on previous occasions and they all agreed that this should not be allowed, but this went against the National WI body and in particular the high priestess herself non other than Baroness Terdface Bucket-Swandler, the most pompous and self centred creature since Cheery




Himalayan Razor Bill Duck


As they were about to start Dame Alicia staggered in with a huge lump on her head, apparently she'd been trying to sex the ferocious and extremely dangerous Himalayan Razor Bill Duck, and just as she'd bent over beneath the ducks tail the duck let go a fart the size of Ben Nevis that threw Alicia at amazing speed across the room and into the Gnu Crèche, Mrs Gnu was pissed off and belted her one.



Gladys went to help her dragging Alicia by the Wart on her eyebrow which was often mistaken for a piercing or a chocolate Brownie,


When Gladys and Alicia were settled Her Highness Lady Caroline stood and addressed what appeared to be rather a restless audience.


"Now ladies the topic for discussion tonight is as you know concerned with the banning of Nerd Wranglers and yes I know we've been here before but I have had yet another demand from her on most high the head of the National Committee Her Godness Baroness Terdface Bucket Swandler that we fall in line with national policy and agree to the banning of our precious Nerd Wranglere's. So, what do we do? Give them up or stick with our Wranglers which means going against Her Oberst?


Immediately from the back of the room came a hasty shuffling as Hilda Sprocket put her leg on and stood up leaning on her pet Yak


"This is an outrage, that we and all lovers of a good Tradeling with a Wrangling Iron and a Trudle Wokling with a Nerd Wrangler is jolly well not on the cards ladies. My Horatio would turn in his grave if he thought I had to give up my Tuesday night without a good Wrangling. He loved to watch as he trimmed the Warthogs toe nails you know".


She continued with a tear in her eye ......


"Especially when we used the boiled chicken bones, they used to rattle in rhythm as the Trudle went in and out. And he always cleaned up afterwards, tied the Parrot's legs back on and put it back in its cage".


Ezmarelda Strap-A-Dick-To-Me



Mrs Ezmarelda Strap-A-Dick-To-Me (Known by her friends as Twice Nightly Strap-A-Dick-To-Me) rose at the back of the room dressed with her usual care and attention and with a huge sensuous leer on her face ......


"My Harold was the same, used to love to watch the thristles shooting out me knickers all over the place, went right up our Orangutangs bum once, silly buggers never been the same keeps demanding danger bananas.


There was now a mixed chorus of anger and despair around the room, many had even started pulling out there own Nerd Wranglere's from the special pocket they kept them in attached to the dry bit of their Gusset's. They started waving their Tradaling sticks around their heads and shouting


"Hands off our Nerd Wranglere's, Keep on Trudle Wokling, It don't make you blind ..... just a bit short sighted. Down with Hitler".....




Philamena and Cecilia Ming

And above all the noise could be heard Philamena and Cecilia Ming singing at the barman ..


"Show us yer Willy Cocker"


This sort of behaviour was not of course unusual at the regular Bewdley WI meetings. It was probably inevitable after the Vicar opened the meeting with a few choice verses of Eskimo Nell as the Marijuana and Vodka jam scones were passed around, they all then put on their branch uniform of Crispy Chicken Skin and Purple Sequinned peep hole bra's and Crepe Paper Incontinent Pants (This usually saved on cleaning bills should any of the ladies get over excited).


And so it went on. Meanwhile at a secret meeting of the WI National Executive on the 98th floor of WI Towers in Strawberry Jam Street, just off Sponge Lane in Biscuit On Snot, Her Godness Baroness Terdface Bucket-Swandler was holding forth to her committee.


Righty-ho gels we only have the one item ..... Harriet SHUT UP .... that's 50 lashes for talking while I'm in the room ..... well you should have put your hand up you stupid woman, I told you that Chastity Belt was made of Cornflakes, anyway it'll soon dry out now sit still.


As I was saying we have a potential rebellion in the ranks, some nasty little oyks from a god forsaken place called Bugilly or something up north in the provinces, who actually have the effrontery to defy my order to ban Nerd Wranglers. Yes Prudence you heard .... they are trying to defy ME!!!!! Well we'll see about that .... Oh what is it now Monica? ..... Yes I know it brings you out in warts at the very mention of those filthy things but do something useful ...... put a bloody poultice on them ..... now shut up all of you and listen!!!!!!”





Terdface Bucket-Swandler

What I say goes, got it? I'm not having some bunch of meddling bumpkins defying me, she who is the Godness to all things known to woman as the WI. Now Prudence get my bleedin Jumbo Jet ready, Fiona get the tank and the flame throwers, the AK-47's and just to be on the safe side bring the Flesh Eating Goldfish and the Rabid Candyfloss. Oh and go and bail out the Blancmange Sisters from the nick and make sure they're tooled up. We're going up there and sort these Turnip-Heads out. Defy me would they, well we'll see about that”.



The next day the ladies of the Bewdley WI had been released from the Home For Fallen Women in the back room of the Co-Op Funeral Parlour and were on their way for a quick one in The George when suddenly there was a commotion as a hugely ostentatious limousine drew up beside the Vicar and a voice could be heard from somewhere inside .....


"I say there thingy, where do the women of the Bewdley WI hang out mmmm?


The Vicar hesitated for a moment before replying ...


"Ooo u torkin to shit for brains? I'm the bleedin Vicar round ear not a bleedin tour guide. Bolshy cow, now piss off.


Suddenly a goldfish leapt out of the car and quickly set about the Vicar, ripping has cassock off and beating him around the head with it's tale fin at which the Vicar shot off up Load Street (Minus dog collar and a packet of Woodbines) with the goldfish still trying to rip his trousers off.


Queen Caroline and the other ladies had seen and heard all and stared after their beloved Vicar as the goldfish had got down to his underpants and with a wicked gleam in his eye was ripping furiously at the Y fronts (It is not commonly known that many Homosexual Goldfish undergo therapy to avoid such behaviour in public), and that voice rang out from the car again .....


"I say bumpkin, yes you there Bog Trotter come here, hurry up there I haven't got all day".


Gladys turned around confused five or six times before she realised the voice was actually directed at her and replied ....


"Err, excuse me but did you just call me Bumpkin and Bog Trotter?"


Terdface Bucket-Swandler was clearly getting annoyed at Gladys's lack of response.


"Evangeline would you kindly go and tell this simpleton who I am and that I expect to be obeyed immediately when I give an order NOW"


Evangeline got out and walked nervously over to Gladys and said in a whisper ...

"Ah, excuse me I'm really very sorry to bother you but Her Highness gets very impatient and can occasionally be a little, er forthright. Well not actually just forthright but sometimes quite er, you know, how shall I put it er ..... rude. She doesn't mean anything by it, well she does actually being an arrogant overpowering loud mouthed bitch who should have been neutered at birth. Rancid old cow should have had her piles cut off with a ..... wait a minute I know you, you're in the Bewdley WI Secret Service Section "MAYJS" (Move And You're Jam Sucker), you're the famous Gladys Crunchbuttock . Oh please help me Gladys, please I just want to escape ..."


Again the voice roared


"Evangeline!!! What are you up to? Get your ass into gear and stop that cackling you Muppet. Bathsheba get the Blancmange Sisters out there now!!!





The Blancmange Sisters


From the back of the car the terrifying sight of the notorious sisters armed with their racquets appeared. Gladys was immediately on her guard, she'd seen the news clips of them at Wombeldon beating up poor Roger Fetherer with their lead tennis balls. As soon as one of them got a ball out from her knicker elastic Gladys dashed forward armed with an angry looking carrot she'd pulled out of her fleece lined Gusset and aimed it at them and suddenly it shot molten custard over both Sisters. They quickly started to melt and passers-by began dipping Sponge Fingers into the liquid puddle of Blancmange


Terdface Bucket-Swandler looked on horrified, then her crown slipped over her eyes so that she never saw the approaching Vicar, naked and with a Goldfish with an ecstatic smile on it's face dangling from a Nerd Wrangler up it's bum. When he got to the car the Vicar reached in and dragged the WI Queen out by her Tiara and shouted at her ...


"Just who do you think you are you rancid old bag, ordering people around, setting this poor sexually charged Goldfish on me, and just look at all that Blancmange. Now I'm going teach you a lesson"


So saying the Vicar turned the Nerd Wrangler off and slid it out of the Goldfishes bum before dropping it into a bowl of Anchovy and Banana soup and watched as it thrashed around manically trying to bite it's own bum and repeatedly shouting ...."Put it Back you Bastard, Put It Back".


The Vicar then took Terdface Bucket-Swandler by the hair and tied her to the door handle of The George, stripped her naked and inserted the Throstle of the Nerd Wrangler, turned the speed to maximum and switched it on, immediately the Tradeling arm started to spin and the Trudleing took over her entire body.


Terdface Bucket-Swandler started to shake violently before her dentures shot out and a huge amount of wax blasted out of her ears all over 4 people trying to enjoy their lunch in the front bar. Her toes curled up at a strange angle and her nose fell off (This was in fact a false nose which had been fitted over the real one when she had picked the real one so badly as a child that her brains used to fall out at meal times). And all the time she had this manic grin on what was left of her face.




Her ecstatic screams of joy became even louder as the Wrangling Iron started to throb and then rattle before all her hair fell out and she began to bounce down Load Street like an out of control Pogo Stick on Speed.




Terdface Bucket-Swandler




As she disappeared over the bridge never to be seen again the Vicar took all the ladies of the Bewdley WI back into the pub and they all began singing their anthem ......


Four-and-twenty virgins came down from Inverness, And when the Ball was over, there were four-and-twenty less, Singin' balls to your partner, ass against the wall ........

To be cont