An Everyday Story Of Welch Folk
A little while after the incident with the Bean Counter Mario and Stefania began to hear all sorts of stories about what the locals got up to.
It had been a slow day in the leek mines just outside LLLLANYSLACKPOODLE, the leeks were young and strong and it took quite an effort to pull each one out of it's bed, they kept pulling the Duvets over their heads and groaning,
“Shouldn't have had that last bottle of Walter Worms Woofter Juice, my bleedin roots are killing me”.“Come on now” said Di Finglplunck of the Yaky-Dars, “You'll soon feel better when you've been shredded for Jam and had those roots off”. “Sod off” said Lulubel Leek, “I'm bleedin female you prat and I might just be pregrunt in me roots so piss off and leave me alone”.
Di Slackpaddle wasn't convinced so he turned and called Di Plumger to come over and as soon as his back was turned Lulubel threw off the duvet and legged it,
“Oy come back here you sneaky swine” shouted both Di's as they chased after her but as they rounded a corner they ran straight into the imposing lump of Blodwin Bumgrumbler of the Yaky-Doodles who'd been practising for the LLLLANYSLACKPOODLE Fatlympics.
Slackpaddle called her a big fat trussle masher and she'd reacted by kneeing him in the wellies and then pulling his sheep out. Soon it was mayhem with 78 Di's from the Yaky-Dars and 703 Blodwins from the Yaky-Doodles, everyone joining in swearing and smashing people in the grundles with their Daffodils before the Yaky-Doodles started firing their Welch Cakes spraying the Yaky-Dars with exploding currents. Before long the alarm bell sounded for Chapel and all the fighting immediately stopped, they all shook hands and started to glue the Daffodil heads back on
Meanwhile just up the road in IGGYSUCKYYUCKY the Girlos in the Woollen Condom factory in Blodwin Finglpluck's loft had been working flat out trying to cope with the demand for their latest Knit One Pearl Two model, they'd sold 2 new and 83 used in the last 6 minutes alone.
(They had thoughtfully put a zip down one side making it very versatile. For instance after cleaning it out and getting rid of the smell of sheep the Girlos could use it as a Tea Cosy when the Vicar came to swap his Porno Mags after Chapel on Sundays. And the Boyos could pin a bunch of Daffodils to it and wear it as a cap when they went to the match at Cardiff Legs Park, and since they'd dropped the admission price to only 2 Groats providing you kept your sheep on a lead it became very popular)
However as the condoms were selling for 5M Groats each the only people in the whole of Wales that could afford them were the Kincocks in the Pension Pot Mansion up on Grubby Hill so somehow they had to get the price down. So they all went down to Taffy's Titty Bar in the Chapel bogs and ordered 15 pints each of Taffy's famous “Leek and Strawberry Gin”
(It was Taffy's secret that the Leeks came from a disused mine after it got infected with Cheese and the Yaky-Dars and the Yaky-Doodles had all come out in the dreaded “Welsh Rarebit Rash”)
The notorious Olwen Slump, (Her full name was Slump-Grumbler-Fart-Wrangler but as everyone knows sheep can only count to one before they started to bleat and had to start again from the beginning), was enjoying a break from her duties as a high class Welly Madam in her 64 bedroomed mansion outside IGGYSUCKYYUCKY. It had been a long day.
The Yaky-Dars and the Yaky-Doodles had been in and out all day and most of the night and the whole flock were Knackered. Blodwin Dogleg's back legs were so dark green from being down the wellies for so long they looked like furry Runner Beans, Blodwin Stretchbuttock's teeth were so out of shape they'd actually started to rattle, as for Blodwin Slingbat it would take years to get rid of the nappy stains and those Legcuff marks would probably last until next shearing, since the whip marks down Blodwin Scruffmungler's back were plain to see she couldn't stop bleating “Harder, go on go on make me have it Boyo!!!!”.
Meanwhile in the Titty Bar as they struggled through their Leek and Strawberry Gin neither of the Boyos nor the Girlos came up with a solution. Di The Loaf suggested cheese without actually knowing where cheese came from, maybe they could grow some. After a Blodwin had belted him one she cried out
“You stupid lump, cheese is what's left after you scrape the bits off hankies and put them in a jar for 3 years to mature everyone knows that you clown”.
One Taffy thought Rice Crispies would give an amazing sensual result if they could just find the right glue.
Blodwin Slump was still trying to think of a way to give the flock a rest. Ever since those greedy Yaky-Doodle's and Yaky-Dar's had been arrested for wearing mink lined silk welly's she was now the only one for 3 fields providing such a valuable service to the local farming community.
And Welly sales had shot up in her shop, together with the Carrot Dildos, her unique Raspberry flavoured Clip-on Nappies, Easy Entry KY Tractor Grease Jelly, Deep Throat Grass Scented Dummies, blocks of Upside Down Nipple Clamps (8 to a set) and of course the exotic 4 legged leather Stockings and Suspenders (18 inch high heeled stilettos, dangly earrings and Welly musk extra of course).
Meanwhile back at the Titty Bar a Blodwin had just ordered another 57 pints of Leek and Strawberry Gin …..
“Rhubarb skin” said a Taffy “Peel it off and stitch it together, simple” …... a Blodwin stared at him for a while, “You seriously think anyone will buy them in that colour, idiot”......... “Jelly?” whispered a Di and ducked as a Blodwin threw one of her Greater Spotted Mongolian Daffodils at him and took his brand new Spinach Wig off …..... “Hair nets!! We could just stop the holes with Pastry and bake them in the oven” said another Taffy ….. “I've got it” shouted another Blodwin …..“I've got it ….Used Tea Bags, that's it yes, yes, yes!!!!!!! By now they were so pissed it took them 3 weeks to get home by which time they couldn't remember what the answer was.
Morgan The Organ
Lulubel Leak had been on the run from the Yaky-Dars and the Yaky-Doodles for 3 weeks and the price on her leaves had risen to 3 groats dead or alive and the Yaky-Dar Bounty Hunters were closing in, when suddenly around the corner came her saviour, the one and only infamous Leek God himself “Morgan The Organ”,
(Although of course he'd never even seen the thing that plays tunes, but that's not how he got his name, he'd got it because of his Enormous 4 feet 6 inch Organ). Nobody knew where he came from although over the years some had speculated that he was the result of an experiment gone wrong in Pea Cloning by the Welch Government in an attempt to make Peas look like humans but without brains. Much like themselves really), they would form a new army to keep the bleedin English out.
Either way over the years he had fallen in love with the Leeks, their slim sophisticated looks, the sexy sway of their slim stalks and of course those gorgeous green leaves and naturally he wouldn't let any harm come to them. As soon as he saw one of them nearing a chopping board he'd got his giant organ out and beat the human over the head with it and Lulubel knew he would look after her forever.
(He may have even been the one that got her pregrunt but she couldn't remember, after all leeks were not known for having a good memory).
Blodwin Slump had a visit from Blodwin Finglpluck, they were old friends and Slump was explaining over a bowl of Daffodil soup about her difficulty of so many knackered sheep and how to give them a rest and Finglpluck pointed out her own problem of how to replace the woollen condoms and said she might have an answer to both problems
“How about putting the poor lambs on shift work, say 5 hours at the brothel and 5 hours doing something less taxing?”. Slump looked shocked “How am I supposed to make any money if you cut their hours, and those luxurious Wimbolden Grass Souffles
I have each day for breakfast cost a fortune, besides which all the Taffy's and Di's for fields around would go mad”. Finglpluck smiled and said “Well I may have the solution. The money bit first, I'll pay you your usual cut of the basic 5 minute shag price working for me in the mornings before they get their legsback into the wellies for the rest of the day and night. And it will be a very soothing job, I want them to make my new designer product “Knitted Tea Bag Condoms, and on top of that you can tell all the punters they must in future buy all the condoms from you instead of bringing their own”. Slump loved the idea and they celebrated with a few of Taffy's Leek and Strawberry Gin
And they agreed to jointly fund the cost of the new road signs to be erected from the Severn Bridge all the way to LLLLANYSLACKPOODLE and beyond.
Soon after Mario and Stefania moved to the north of Scotland anywhere would be better than this place but .....
To be continued