Dealing With The Council





Dealing With The Council


Having travelled around the notorious exotic drug ridden areas of Chorltum Cum-Occasionaly Mario and Stefania finally bought a tumbled down cottage in the rural countryside near a small town called Bewdley in Worcestershire. The restoration work would obviously take some time so they thought it best to take up residency and try to fit in with the locals.


And so in search of the department responsible for registering his residency Mario walked around the numerous palatial marble lined offices of Bewdley Town Council, but finding them all empty and with no signage anywhere he just wandered around aimlessly for an hour or so before eventually finding a door marked







Councillor Weasel Snotrag


He could hear a low rumble of voices coming from inside so he tentatively knocked and opened the door slightly. Inside through the fog from the Hashish Pipes were a strange group of about 25 people gathered around an extremely fat and sweaty individual sat behind a desk with a gold crown on his head and the words COUNCILLOR WEASEL SNOTRAG, TOWN CLERK picked out in diamonds.

At first no one saw Mario as he poked his head around the door and they continued their heated debate, all yelling and shouting at the same time, with one woman in particular with a nail studded baseball bat and the words Mr/Mrs/Ms/It/Thing Hilda Bat CONSUMER AFFAIRS ENQUIRIES written down the side of it whose loud booming baritone voice was demanding ...............

"Look you fat bastard, they're my f***ing paper-clips you two faced grasping lying UN CIVIL SERVANT shit ..... I bought the f***ing things out of my own f***ing tea money jar so f*** off and ... ".

As Mario stood silently with his mouth agape the woman slowly turned, put down the bottle of gin she'd been drinking from and the spliff in the other hand, screwed up her eyes and glared at him



Mr/Mrs/Ms/It/Thing Hilda Bat


"Who the f*** are you then mister? Government inspector, Wanker? A Waste Management and Disposal Technician? (Bin Man), A Highway Environmental Hygienist? (Road Sweeper), Or a sodding Transparency Enhancement Facilitator? (Window Cleaner). You're Interrupting a very important f***ing meeting here mate so come on which is it? You cant be an ordinary member of f***ing public because it says on the bleedin door you cant f***ing come in here don't it?".

She slowly walked towards him until the tip of her nose pressed up against his .....

"Its private, got it? Now who are you and what the f*** do you want? Eh? Come on out with it before I call Angelique and the Gnu's in security.

Mario hesitated before replying in a whisper .....

"I didn't mean to interrupt , honest, I only came here looking for a residency form but there was no one else in the building and .... ".

"What? A bleedin residency form, is that all you want? You interrupt an official f***ing council meeting asking for a bleedin residency form!!!!! .... You sure you're not from that elf and bleedin safety lot come up hear for a fag? Cos if you are ....".

"No no, I just want a residency form" Mario stammered. She looked accusingly at him "Mmmm, you'd better not be pissing me about, sodin public, come with me then".

The woman led Mario to an unmarked steel door and told him to wait while she entered and he heard her on the phone .....

"La La Tinckerbell get me a sodin residency form from the safe ...... no no not the bleedin forged ones for those illegal immigrant Welsh bastards family's working in the Leek Mines, get me a real one, some tosser thinks he wants to live around here".

She came back out and gave him a threatening look .....

"You'd better remember for the future that you don't just wander into any important busy council offices like these whenever you fancy it. GOT IT? We've all got very important jobs to do around here. And what are all us important people doing around these important building's that's so bleedin important? Looking after you and all that f***ing rabble out there called the bleedin Local Sodin Community, bunch of f***ing tossers the lot of em"

"Now take your worthless ass out of here, go home to your slum, fill out your stupid 628 page Government form on residency, attach a photograph of your Grandmothers dog to prove who you are and post it back to this important office and then wait". She then continued through gritted teeth, "You may then, or may not depending on how important we view the situation, receive notification of a site inspection by our highly qualified and very important Inspection Officer, who has a Local Government Contract which even includes part use of a chair on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons on a tri-monthly basis".

She continued in an obviously jealous tone ......

"And I might add, he even has a small travel and living allowance, in line with the officially approved EU, Unite Union, Parliamentary Expenses, Same Sex Marriage Department, and Local Council Office Twats Guidelines, which clearly states ......

"Said allowances not to exceed the standard £5,000 per day when working within 100 yards of place of employment, and no more than twice that amount (£10,000) per overnight stay within 120 yards of the persons recognised normal domicile. This amount to exclude the use of more than three prostitutes per night unless said prostitutes are provided by The Widows And Orphans "Prostitute Division" of The Ex Council Employees Wives Guild".

The final words from Mr/Mrs/Ms/It/Thing Hilda Bat were left ringing in Mario's ears, (Clearly a very Important politically correct hermaphrodite also with a Local Government Contract which included the use of a chair anytime on a Thursday in a leap year between 8.00 and 8.15am should she wish to pick her nose while watching porn on the council computer (Vibro's not included), and providing Councillor Weasel Snotrag didn't want the chair to fondle his imitation plastic Barby doll "Spanky".


"Got all that sonny? Now piss off and don't f***ing bother us important people again S*** face". What he didn't hear was her quietly saying to herself "Who do these F***ing useless f***ing members of the F***ing public think they F***ing are.





Building Inspector

Three years later when the council Building Inspector finally appeared on site to check the property he noticed straight away that these people had done the right thing by removing the wheels from their camper van, although resting it on some empty milk bottles may have raised the odd doubt in his mind he kept that to himself in case he wanted to use it against them in future. (He had been trained at the prestigious David Cameroon Academy for Devious, Lying, Self Important, utterly useless Gits).

The Inspector was leaning against some partially secured 40 foot scaffolding poles held together with bits of garden string, Prit-stick and 3 elastic bands, when Stefania leaned around the door of the camper van as it tilted over dangerously and offered to get him a glass of wine.

"Yea" he replied "but make it a large one, I always make a point of getting as pissed as possible on duty, providing its free of course".

A minute or two later on her way with the crate of wine Stefania stumbled a little and spilt a tiny drop of the Chianti Classico Special Reserve 1892. At this the astute inspector noticed that whilst Stefania's Giorgio Armani hand made lime green and shocking pink dungarees looked perhaps a just little ostentatious for a building site, her 18 inch heel Prada shoes (One of 138 identical pairs she thought suitable to bring with her from Italy) were sinking into the filthy quagmire so far it almost reached up to her delicately painted toe nails.

"Stop" he cried "You could do yourself or someone else a serious injury in that inappropriate footwear, you could fall and hurt yourself, or even worse trip over and bring me down with you. No no no no no, this is clearly a case of exceeding Health and Safety laws so I am shutting this site down and you can't live in that garish camper van, the colours are all ridiculous, far too bright for this part of the countryside, no no I'm condemning it, you'll just have to find somewhere else to live while you do the cottage up. Now get down to the Council Offices and tell them what I said, that this is a serious Health and Safety issue and they are to find you some suitable alternative temporary accommodation". ................




Temporary Council Accommodation


So they did, and fifteen years later Mario and Stefania were still living in their "Suitable Alternative Temporary Accommodation", provided by the local council at a rent of 26 pence a week situated in parkland next door to their still untouched dilapidated cottage.

And now, apart from both their parents, grandparents, 143 cousins, and 48 members of the Welsh Leek Mining Revolutionary Force have all moved in.

Don Tossalot regularly comes to stay and runs a lovely Crèche teaching the children about the benefits of drug dealing and prostitution for the local community and takes advance classes on the corruption of Local Councillors and Politicians using a knife and fork, as well as several different methods of how to Bonsai your Pet.



Pope Wayne 3rd

Mario now spent much of his time organising the regular luxurious Whippet and Tripe weekends for the coach party's from the Vatican. And it was on one of these trips when he and His Holiness Pope Wayne 3rd were down the local disco at The Jehovah Witnesses Night Club in Dog Lane. They were out the back having a fag when the Pope asked him if he'd ever been "Nerd Wrangling" and when Mario replied he'd never heard of it the Pope went on to explain the fun he'd had the first time he'd tried it when he went with a chap called Albert Crunchbuttock and an Octopus to a Convent in the hills around Bellante.


Mario became fascinated by the whole idea and the next day went down the Co-op and brought a pair of Throstles, a left handed Mange Werdal, and a Thrundle together with an industrial size jar of Marmite. Early next morning he put on the Truss the Pope lent him and off they went. Since that day Mario had built his own Wrangler, painted it in Cherry Jam and taught the Octopus how to Rundle it with his Sprickle and keep going until his leg dropped off and then the toast came out covered in Marmite. It was a site to see and the nuns always came out to watch.

Meanwhile Stefania had discussed an idea in detail with Mario, Don Tossalot and Pope Wayne 3rd and had decided on an exiting new career path.

As Mario was by now Manufacturing all his own Nerd Wrangling tools he could supply any new equipment she might need at cost Price. In turn Don Tossalot had agreed to supply a new bottling plant, all the wrapping paper and the protection. And the Pope would have the rooms decorated and install all the new flashing neon lights.

With all the planing taken care of Stefania was so exited. In three weeks time she would be opening her new Sperm Bank in the gardens of the Vatican.



The Vatican Sperm Bank