Dealing With S.N.I.G's

(Snot Nosed Interfering Git's)
Stefania had noticed something odd going on in the woods one morning. She had been out walking Legsy the Octopus when she heard voices, one of which was clearly in distress as it pleaded .....

"I just don't know what we can do, its terrible, to see Lucretia like this, crying and wailing all the time, its been weeks now and there's still no sign of improvement. The psychiatrists have tried everything, even a Ferret up the bum, she just wont snap out of this deep depression, and all because that bloody Ostrich ended their affair and ran off with next doors Giraffe".
It turned out to be Mildred and Philamena Swinespout from next door and their conversation wasn't that far from Stefania's own thoughts because she herself was acutely aware of the cost of keeping her own Lama Rupert in Rehab at the Vicar's Clinic after it got pissed out of its mind at the Girl Guides annual beer festival when it started groping Akela's tits mistaking her for a Hairy Antelope.
If she could provide a service that would avoid animal relationships from getting out of hand she would be providing a valuable service to the local community and so she'd decided to open an exclusive Multi Gender Animal Brothel for her wealthy neighbours pets.
Her first visitors were Bunty Flickerbum from the farm up the road being dragged along the floor by Horace her Warthog. Stefania quickly picked up her 25,000 volt Cattle Prod and almost instantly the Warthogs erection shrivelled up to nothing. 
"Smithers, put Horace in with Gemima in the Elephant enclosure and make sure the Condom Machine's working". As Smithers got to the gate of the Elephant enclosure he could be heard saying to the Warthog "Anything for the weekend sir".
Next came farmer Mucknob with his Antelope clearly in a state of agitation as it limped along, the farmer had just kicked him in the knackers and told him to behave. 
"Smithers, see if the Orangutang and the Dog have finished with the Gnu yet .... no there's no need to stitch his it's leg back on, teach him to watch his manners next time".
From there things escalated. The local member of Parliament had become a regular client bringing his Mongolian Parrot for "Treatment" by the Bolivian 3 toed Crangmogel who had quickly learned that a teaspoon, a pair of tweezers and some KY Jelly helped to achieve a happy conclusion to their sessions.
After only 3 previous visits Mrs Thrumbolt-Smith's Goat had withdrawn the charges of GBH against her mother in laws Chimpanzee and Bunty Thruckington-Smythe's Shetland Pony no longer looked like a 5 legged Pogo Stick.
The next week things got slightly out of hand when several owners turned up with their pets all at the same time.
The local Rag and Bone man was being dragged along the ground by a chain attached to a very exited Wilbur Warthog in a pink Tue Tue named Betty with a slobbering grin on its face making a beeline for a randy looking Rabbit named Pinky that Sir Bertram Noseblunder had on a lead.
It was clear what was on both creatures minds and nothing was going to stop them and as they all came together Wilbur head butted Pinky just before the Rabbit
pulled out a large illustrated copy of the Kama Sutra and started beating Betty round the head with it. When both humans were out cold Wilbur offered the Rabbit a Gin and Lime while the Rabbit handed Wilbur a couple of LSD carrots.
No one had seen either the Warthog or the Rabbit until 4 days later when they both staggered up to Stefania's fish pond where she was feeding her Great White Shark some salad intent on turning the bloody thing vegetarian after it had eaten the Gamekeeper and his wife. 
"Got any Alkaselser Mrs, my bleeding heads killing me" said the Rabbit while it glared angrily at the Warthog, "And you can sod off and take your bleedin Parsnip dildo with you, dirty bastard".
Overall things were working well, the previously sex starved animals were walking .... running .... galloping .... hopping .... crawling .... slithering .... errrr and however else they get around, all with smiles on their faces. 
Until that is an official from S.O.S.N.I.G's. (Society Of Snot Nosed Interfering Gits) arrived.
Stefania's hairdresser Luigi was driving his Ferrari around her rather expansive wardrobe looking for her, he eventually found her on the 156th floor uttering  
"Sorry to disturb you madam but there's a .... er .....""Person"" downstairs demanding to see the Boss right now".
As she abseiled to the ground floor on her Coco Chanel Diamond and Ruby encrusted G String with the Mink Flaps she could see this officious looking individual stomping around and shouting ....
"Who's in charge here? I demand to see the person running this disgusting establishment right now. Come on out with you, wherever you are".
As she put her Ocelot and Gnu Skin Peep Hole Bra back on after using it as a pair of goggles on her decent, Stefania new the type and guessed why he was there.
"Oh hello and what do you want?" She said with a smile on her face. "Brought your rat for a bit of sexy fun have you, or do you prefer Slugs? You look more like a Slug man to me. Yes Defiantly a Slug Man. And what's all the shouting about?"
"My name is Sir Philpot Ming and I'm here on behalf of a government department for the well-being of Biscuit Tins and it has come to my notice that you are using them as step ladders for shorter animals to have filthy and degrading sex with taller ones. And you know very well it is illegal to use Biscuit Tins in this way. I'm going to close this place down and you will be going to prison".
At this point he turned and looked at the Chicken Fetish enclosure as Wilberforce the Jack Russell was having his daily treatment and Ming angrily declared ......
"You cant bloody well do that here you filthy creature, Dogs do not have sex with Chickens. It's ridiculous, stop it you dirty swine".
"And what's that going on over there? Who is that woman and what's that dog doing? She's not going to let it do that. What sort of disgusting place is this?"
Stefania turned round to look at where Ming was staring.
"Oh that's just the maid Maria, its her tea break and she forgot to get any Munchy Chump dog biscuits and Mrs Angldrumper's little darling Bartholomew does tend to get a little randy without his Munchy Chumps. He'll calm down soon, he's due to have his 3 way session with the Parakeet and the Armadillo later. The Armadillo's just had his breast implants and the Parakeet's into Bondage. Should be fun".

Ming had seen and heard enough and started screaming
"You dirty filthy perverts I'll have this place closed down and stop this bloody nonsense. I will I sodin well guarantee it'll close forever. You're finished you bloody lot just you wait and see"
Sadly for him Aloysius the Alligator was just on his way back to the sauna with a grin on his face after having his erectile dysfunction attended to by the Chimpanzee and had heard every word that Ming had said. Apart from his erectile dysfunction Aloysius had one other failing, a short temper ......

Oh well all was now back to normal and Stefania had more time to devote to setting up her new project which she had discussed in detail with Pope Wayne 3rd, in three weeks time she would be opening the new Sperm Bank at the Vatican.
To be continued ................