THE TRIALS OF GLADYS CRUNCHBUTTOCK
"A Simple Politicians Life"
Gladys had sent her latest report to Alicia Plunge in the Bewdley WI Secret service section MAYJS (Move And You're Jam Sucker). According to the surveillance camera's and microphone's secreted in the leaves of the Marshmallow spider plants they had placed in Parliamentary offices throughout the world the MAYJS department could keep tabs on what the Morons were up to next.
There wasn't much new, the silly buggers in The Houses of Fiddling Expenses had nothing better to do with their time than suck up to that officious little git the EU President Jean Claude Van Rumpy Pumpy. That and taking a vote on whether they needed individual receipts for the Police bribes they'd paid out, or if they could just lump the amounts together as employing the family Emu as a Secretary.
Corbinski and Abbotski
Only last week the Loopy Party leader Anatoly Corbinski and Her Fatness Lady Diana Abbottski had been travelling the country promoting that terrible dirge he'd composed to the music of "She was only a fishmonger's daughter but she lay on the slab and said fillet" that had recently been released on the black market.
(Over the years Corbinski had come to rely on Lady Diana who had developed the skill of sometimes convincing one or two dim wits in the street that she actually gave a shit about there lives and therefore they should vote for her as the local Loopy Party candidate. To date she had 3 deaf squirrels, an out of date empty box of After Eights and small earthworm with a lisp which she could count on to vote for her which could prove critical at the next General Election).
This ditty was about two of his old cardigans that had fallen in love with each other but couldn't get married because none of the dustbins at the back of the abattoir where Corbinski got his clothes from had a licence for Mixed Cardigan Marriages.
At the same time Abbottski the new head of the party's clandestine "Support Gay Marriage For Biscuits" department, (after the party's Guru Peter Medalsom had insisted the biscuit vote could be crucial at the next general election) was trying to get the Co-op Funeral Parlours issued with Mixed Biscuit Marriage Licences.
Abbotski had come to the conclusion early in her political career that if she was to succeed she needed to be able to pass herself off in important social circles as a "Woman". Something she was not always very happy about because this meant when attending the regular Loopy Party social functions like Red Ken's "Bring And Buy" wife swapping party's in the Mayors Toilets, she sometimes actually had to put her teeth in and stop picking her nose.
But she was most relaxed on those occasions when giving her boss Corbynski a good seeing to with a rolled up copy of his Karl Marx Diaries, at the same time as the TUC choir in the background singing .....
"We've got the foreman's job at last, you can shove the red flag up your ass"
(Unfortunately this often upset Abbottski's rhythm because every time they got to this point in the song Corbynski wanted her to turn to another bloody page and she had to take the soddin oven gloves off, "Why couldn't the silly bastard just be happy it was the paper backed abridged version" she thought).
Later in a speech on the subject of the latest crime figures, ex Prime Minister Davido Cameroon added ......
(Cameroon had recently had some Genders removed and some different ones impregnated and wasn't quite sure what he/she/it/thing was any more. Comments were frequently being made in the press about the stockings and stilettos he had on one leg, brogues and trousers on another and a third leg that looked as if he picked it up from a Horned Toad abattoir because it couldn't walk the same as the other two legs and kept hoping everywhere).
..... "If we needed further proof at the falling crime rate we only have to look at the decline in violent crime figures of Kit Kats being attacked in the street by gangs of vicious sliced bread sandwiches. A representative of The Sliced Bread Party confirmed this was almost certainly due to both the retraining of crusts and a huge rise in those slices attending the Delinquent Sandwich Clinics".
Clegger & Osbum
And then of course there was Nickerless Clegger who'd shared a room at Etonia School with George Osbum, both of whom were trying to deny the allegations of their former school nurse Lady Brunhilda Ming
"As 5 year old's from families of the so called "Elite Ruling Class" they were expected to set a certain example even at this tender age. Instead they had each been given several warnings regarding their behaviour at which time they risked further loss of their privileges to the Whippet Brothel".
"Lady Ming said she looked on in disgust as Osbum's Cindy Doll firstly kicked the shit out of him and then pulled his pants down and gave him a good buggering with her left leg. Meanwhile Clegger was being forced by his Barby Doll to give her teddy bear Rastus a blow job".
"It wasn't so much the sexual acts that annoyed Lady Ming but it was always a pain in the ass to get Cindy's leg back on because the hinges kept getting clogged up with KY jelly and she had to floss Cleggers teeth with bleach and a scrubbing brush to get all that bloody teddy bear fur out.
Meanwhile in a statement via the satellite link from SNP headquarters in the Ladies Toilets at the back of Shanty's Pub.
We wish to advise our supporters that having been soundly beaten in the latest Referendum by The NIHP (The National Independent Haggis Party), we are looking to recruit a new leader after receiving conformation that Nicola Mc Spurgtwat will go ahead with the surgical procedure to become an Arbroath Smokey in the hope of generating interest in an Independence "Dead Fish Party".
Gladys had seen and heard enough for one day. She turned off the screens showing the live feeds from the camera's hidden in the Porridge and Frog Spawn jam that the Bewdley WI's Secret Service had planted throughout the offices of The House Of Fiddlers in Westminster.
She went into the kitchen of her shoe and handbag storage facility in the aircraft hanger in the garden and made herself a sandwich.
On a dead slice of bread Gladys had found in the toaster which had been sentenced to become toast after being ejected from the United Sliced Bread Sandwich Union for crumb sex which had been spread with Viagra Butter by mistake. To this she added a slice of Chicken a la LSD, two transvestite custard cream's and an angry Arbroath Smokey, topped off with a union official from The Sliced Bread Party and wrapped the whole thing in a recently divorced cardigan.
After what she had seen going on in The Houses of Fiddling she was planning a visit and wanted to know if they had any really sharp Daffodils or razor edged Gladioli to spare in the Origami armoury, she was going to confront those bleedin numpty's and wasn't going unarmed.
The following image was taken by Gladys before the person concerned was rounded up by Bewdley's WI Secret Service Section, and on the orders of their head Lady Alicia Plunge they were bound together with 3 ton lead weights tied around their ankles and placed head first into a 25 foot deep, Gnu infested slurry pit where they belonged.