The two bedroom flat next to the pig farm where Mario and Stefania had settled just outside the small fishing village of Macduff 40 odd miles north of Aberdeen was OK, having bricked up all the windows and built the pneumaticly sealed entrance chamber around the front door they hardly noticed the smell at all.
Except of course those times when the owner from next door Gordon McBrown got one of his urges and started charging around the sty looking for, maybe not the best looking pig but certainly the one that most resembled Pornabela McTripe, the prozy who worked the fish market most mornings. And who he had lusted for since they were at Primary School together but couldn't afford the embroidered pink silk cami knickers freshly soaked in fish oil that she insisted that all her customers wear while she gave them a blow job.
In his frustration McBrown had been forcing his sexual demands on the pigs for several years now. The pigs knew by instinct what he was after, that and the blue feather duster stuck up his ass and the plunger in one hand and the industrial sized drum of Vaseline in the other.
At the sight of his naked form with the the green latex stockings and suspenders all the pigs, except maybe the newcomers who hadn't as yet enjoyed the thrill of his sandpaper lined bed sheets, ran like hell around the sty shitting everywhere.
The smell of this extra dose of terrified pig shit seemed to permeate through the walls until McBrown, still with that manic grin on his face that promised a night of sexual bliss, for the pig at least, had finally found his chosen one, his favourite, put the false wart on the pig's snout to more resemble Pornabela's wart' and dragged it up to his bed.
Fortunately for Mario and Stefania, McBrown's urges were becoming less frequent as more of the pigs were removed and treated for Post Traumatic Pig Stress Disorder at the local Monastery, the monks were brilliant and even sometimes avoided taking their own sexual desires out on the pigs.
These less smelly times were an ideal opportunity for Mario and Stefania to concentrate on bringing up their six year old son Orlando in traditional Italian style. Every morning Stefania, after serving Orlando his usual breakfast of 6 bowls of tagliatelle, a couple of dozen olives and a family sized portion of pizza with mozzarella, mushroom, sausage, banana and chilli topping with a drizzle of Limoncello, would take him to his bedroom to prepare him for school.
Firstly, to ensure it appeared he had that typical Italian sun tanned dark skin that attracted the girls, she would strip him naked and to counter the lack of sunshine in Scotland she bathed him with a concoction of mid brown shoe polish, balsamic vinegar and the snail trail she collected from the pig sty to give a nice sheen.
Having previously studied for 12 years at the prestigious Milan University Of Poncy Hair Styles, Stefania was more than well equipped to decide which would best suite her darling Orlando. Never having had it cut since he was born, it was beginning to get in his eyes, his ears, his mouth and so far down his back, the other kids in the area believed he was just a wig on legs.
Her work completed in preparing her divine offspring for the day, she packed him off to the local primary school with his usual snack lunch of 5 more pizzas, a hundred weight of spaghetti and a couple of litre bottles of 1956 Chianti Classico.
On the journey to school in Mario's new purple and lime green Ferrari 27 Litre Mark 3i special with the pink Gnu skin lining, Mario first checked his boy was armed with his usual Flick Knife and 48 shot 22in barrel Magnum automatic hand gun and the Junior 25,000 volt Tazer Stefania had bought him for his birthday
He also checked if Orlando was up to remembering how he should behave in the presence of other children and the teachers at school .......
Mario:"OK so what do you say if any of the girls talk to you?".
Orlando: "Nice tits, fancy a shag?
Mario: "And the boys?"
Orlando: "Breath Garlic in their faces and slap them across the chops with a slice of pizza, papa".
Mario: "Now if the teachers ask you any questions?"
Orlando: "To the lady teachers I should say ""Nice tits, fancy a shag"", and to the men teachers, ""If you grass me up I'll tell the Rozzers about what you're doing with your trousers around your ankles looking at the porn channel in class. Now. f*** off before I tell the principle about that last 5 kilos of coke I sold you"".
During the second period lesson on Reading and Writing Orlando was getting bored, all this stuff that the teacher had written on the board and that he was supposed to copy into his exercise book. Through the thick layers of hair that covered his eyes the first one looked like
"The Cat Shat On The Rat", and the other "The Dog Shat On The Wog". What a load of bollocks he thought ..... just shoot the bleedin cat, the rat and the f***ing dog .... didn't know what a wog was but if he'd let the f***ing dog shit on him shoot that f***er as well.
Bollocks he'd had enough, put his hand up and asked to go to the lavatory. Once there he fancied a drink and opened his bottle of wine and started on a slice of pizza. He'd only drunk about three quarters of the bottle when a hand reached out, grabbed his arm and a voice shouted .....
"Fa ya dooin loon? Futs tha yar a drinkin? Fook ma is fookin wine!!! Div ya no ken fer yar?
While the woman continued to stair at him in disbelief and Orlando who hadn't understood what the hell she was on about, looked up and said ....
"Nice tits, fancy a shag".
Later in the Principles office together together with his Mama and Papa, there were 8 policemen in stab vests with batons extended, 6 men in the uniform of The Ulster Defence Force, 14 members of the terrorist squad tooled up with AK47's and in full riot gear. Four weird looking guys in desert camouflage kit presumably SAS, a group of 9 men and 16 women, all called either Roger or Nicola and all warring Fairile cardigans with badges tacked on declaring them as "Social Worker" and whose complexions clearly indicated they had never been out of the house in daylight before.
Five identically dressed and smirking members of the local councils Political Correctness Enforcement Unit and finally the 3 priests looking as if they were salivating at the thought of how they would love to get their hands on him, Orlando was being addressed by the one person in the room who appeared to be in charge.
"So, Orlando", what f***ing morons call their kids such dumb names, what's wrong with Roger or Nicola eh?" Wankers she thought to herself as she glared at him, "My name is Nicola McStergtwat and I'm a very important person because from now on you are mine to do with AS I SEE FIT SONNY. And those useless brain dead gits over there called your parents can do f*** all to stop me GOT IT?
See, unlike all those stupid bastards who have had kids and know f*** all about parenting, I'm an expert because I've got an NVQ level six qualification as a Bleedin Social Worker
(This had been gained from the standard Social Workers Training College at her local abattoir where the course consisted of first having had a full lobotomy, she had been locked in a dark room for 5 years listening to a 24 hour loop recording of Nick Clegg speeches. Before finally being assessed as to her utter boring uselessness to the world in general and her now total lack of ability to relate to anything other than a small schizophrenic mollusc with a wooden leg and a nervous tick. She had gained an A star in both).
She had previously failed in her application to study either "Purchasing Credit Using Your Child's Kidney Donor Card" and "Correct Packaging Materials When Selling Your Child". As such the Careers Advisor thought she was perfectly suited to be a Social Worker.
"Going to set you up with a nice family to look after you from now on" she told Orlando, "As soon as I heard about you from the school Principle Miss Slavering McErotica and you said to her ""Nice tit's, fancy a shag"", straight away I knew I had to get you away from those disgusting parents of yours".
“So I went and personally interviewed a really nice new couple. Mr Gordon McBrown who has a pig farm nearby and a Ms Pornabela McTripe who has a steady job at the fish market".
"They got married this morning and are looking for a child to adopt and help with the pigs and Ms McTripe's fish oil business. So a new life for you with them should sort you out with proper caring parents who don't put up with you stinking of shoe polish and balsamic vinegar all day and that hair!!!!!!!!!!!! By god that's the first thing that will go".
Up until this point both Mario and Stefania, who had been gagged, handcuffed, placed in leg irons, chained to the steel rings in the wall and Tazzored every time they breathed had, despite the odd tear, remained relatively calm. That is until the evil bitch Social Worker f***ing Nicola shit face Mc f***ing Stergtwat mentioned having Orlando's hair cut, there was no way that was going to happen to her precious darling Orlando.
None of those present were aware of Stefania's background as the famous safe cracker Vermicelli Fingers Berlusconi, a name she had gained having first managed to unpick the locks on her chastity belt at one of her uncles Bunga Bunga parties and with nothing more than a piece of Vermicelli she'd found hidden in her imitation leather peep hole bra, (After that she was determined never to wear that imitation crap again, only real leather next time and she'd have the holes for her nipples encrusted with diamonds and ruby's).
To the embarrassment of the Carabinieri who kept the whole thing hushed up because she then went on with her Vermicelli and broke into the local Mafia's cash boxes, conveniently stored at the police headquarters for easy distribution amongst the force at Christmas time. And thereafter in the Italian underworld she had become known as Vermicelli Fingers Berlusconi.
All the time she'd been chained to the wall Stefania had managed to use one of her nose hairs to lift the piece of Vermacheli she always kept in her bra and slowly without anyone noticing had picked all the locks and was now waiting for an opportunity to escape. That moment came immediately that bitch mentioned cutting her Orlando's hair and with a fierce shriek she struck, charging around the room ripping off her gold lame top and shooting the poison Parmesan cheese darts secreted into her bright pink real leather peep hole bra and stabbing her 19 inch Ocelot and emerald encrusted Prada high heeled shoes into everything that looked remotely human.
Very soon those who weren't dead or bleeding profusely on the floor had fled in terror, including that Nicof***la shit face Mc f***ing Sterg***ing twat bitch cow who had lifted her Laura Ashley tweed skirt above her jackboots and been first out the door.
Mistress Evanda Pigstrugle
Meanwhile Mario and Stefania had arrived safely back at the flat just in time to see the McSturgtwat bitch being dragged by her arm into their neighbours house by McBrown himself, followed by Pornabela McTripe pulling Mistress Evanda Pigstrugle who'd recently won Best Exotic Pig In Show and a huge jar of fish oil tucked under her arm.
Oh what joy thought Stefania as she combed her darling Orlando's hair with the garden rake.
TO BE CONTINUED .....