The Trials of Gladys Crunchbuttock
Crunchbuttock Arrested For Sheep Rustling
SPECULATION CONTINUES TO INCREASE IN BEWDLEY WOMEN'S INSTUTUTE AS TO WHETHER MRS GLADYS CRUNCHBUTTOCK IS INDEED GUILTY OF ANY CRIME AT ALL, OR A SIMPLE BYSTANDER WHO GOT CAUGHT UP IN EVENTS BEYOND HER CONTROL. TO HELP YOU MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND WE HOPE THE FOLLOWING ACCOUNT OF WHAT ACTUALY TOOK PLACE WILL BE OF USE.
Tuesday 8th September
Headlines in the Kidderminster Shuttle, Il Centro and The Oberstdorf Gazette this morning reported the following:
"Crunchbuttock Arrested For Sheep Rustling"
"Well known British socialite and Women's Institute Joint President (Bewdley and Husum Branch) Mrs Gladys Crunchbuttock was yesterday morning arrested near her home in Bellante, Italy for sheep rustling and taken in handcuffs to the local Guardia Da Sheep station.
Major Stefano Di BaBa Blacksheep.
Once there she was questioned by the head of the Guardia Da Sheep for the region, Major Stefano Di BaBa Blacksheep.
Major Di Blacksheep later said in a statement that Mrs Crunchbuttock had been released on bail of 56 Pizza Peperoni and a Horn Toad Canaloni following statements from the only 2 witnesses to the crime.
The first of these witnesses, Bimbo Di Labrador, spoke to reporters as she left the station
Bimbo Di Labrador
"Bark di bark barrrrk bark, barrk di bark bark? Bark eh bark bark, di bark bark? Di Bark bark ??? off eh bark Bark di bark barrrrk bark, barrk di bark bark!!!
Having obtained the help of two specialist interviewers from the nearby asylum this loosely translated as:
"It's nufink to do with me mate, I wuz over the other side of the bleedin field at the time licking me bum and couldn't see nufink. What me? Me??? You dirty swine I don't do that no more, I wuz just a puppy then and I ain't touched a drop since, so f*** off and blame someone else you pervert!!! ........ Besides, it was only a bleedin Pekinese anyway and I didn't know she was only 6 months old, bleedin slut. Anyway I'm off I need a slash"
Wednesday 9th September Il Centro Morning Edition
This morning reports reached us that the other witness a certain Bobo Di Labrador had been kept in overnight at the station and after further questioning was due to appear this morning in the high court in Bellante accused of sheep rustling.
Bobo Di Labrador
Wednesday 9th September Il Centro Evening Edition
We have just received this report from our court correspondent in Bellante concerning the trial of Bobo Di Labrador earlier today charged with 468 counts of sheep rustling. Asked if he had anything to say in his defence Bobo Di Labrador replied sullenly with his head down trying to chew his left foreleg off:
"Bark di bark bark. Bark di ill bark barko! Bark Di Bark bark off ...... eh bark Bark di bark barrrrk bark, barrk di bark bark? Bark eh bark bark, di bark bark? Di Bark bark!!! Bark ill ggg bark ............. "
The following translation was then supplied by one of the interviewers from the asylum:
"I'm sorry judge but I wuz just trying to get me leg over Beatrix, that's her over in the visitors' chairs, the tasty one with the Jimmy Choo shoes and Lois Vuitton Tiara".
"Anyway me and Beatrix bin having it away quite regular lately and I'd woken up with a bleedin great hard on after dreaming of the threesome I'd had the day before with her and numbers 237 and 83 and I was getting desperate for relief if you know what I mean. So Beatrix sees what I'm dragging along and she's gagging for it, I've just got the condom on because you cant be too careful these days, when this bleedin woman comes walking up the lane, stops and stares at us".
Beatrix
"Now I know I got a problem because if she tells that f***ing shepherd then I'm dead, he's already caught me at it three times last week, once more and I'm in a tin on the shelf of the pet food section of Lidle. Anyway I shove Beatrix into the ditch and think I'll scare the nosey bitch away, you know run at her and bark a lot, but now I got another problem".
"Every tried chasing someone when your dick's sticking out like a bloody totem pole, but which in my case is dragging along the road? No? Well it don't half bleedin hurt let me tell you. Incidentally that's why I got it in plaster now judge just in case you wuz wundering".
"Anyway off I go down the lane towards the nosy bitch, bouncing along like a five legged f***ing pogo stick and she jumps into the field with all the sheep gets on all fours and starts bleating baaaaaah ....... baaaaaah and I'm just going in after her when the f***ing shepherd turns up and starts to give me a right bollocking, ""What do I pay you for you stupid mut? Look up there, what are all those bleedin sheep doing charging around in panic you lazy bastard"".
"I'm just about to explain they're trying to get away from some nutter with a Women's Institute badge on her bikini and a jar of f***ing jam in her hand going baaaah .......di sodding .......baaaah when the bastard kicks me up the ass and I roll over on me back with 5 legs sticking up in the air but the one in the middle's looking very red and swollen and bleeding into the condom which in my panic I'd forgotten to take off".
The Shepherd
"This is it I think, as the bastard reaches for his standard issue shepherd's AK47 when Beatrix, numbers 237 and 83 who I'd had the 3 way with and some of their mates push into his intended line of fire and start to explain".
"It was all that nosy woman's fault, and if that's not enough to save Bobo then we're all going on f***ing strike, no more free wool for you mate and no more rubbing those green wellies around my back legs all the time and me having to groan like I'm supposed to be enjoying myself. And I'll tell you something else shit for brains, all those orgasms ..... I faked the f***ing lot of them, every soddin one off 'em. You really think that pathetic useless excuse for a dick ever got me going? Moron!!!! Now put that bleedin gun down and I'll tell you what we're going to do".
"See that silly bitch over there on all fours trying to eat the grass and going baaaah .......di sodding .......baaaah? Well you're going to phone and tell the Guardia Da Sheep that she was trying to capture and kill us for a Bar-B-Q she had planed for her mates in the bloody WI Secret Service Section "MAYJS" (Move And You're Jam Sucker) ....... who were over here on one of them illegal all night raves where they strip naked, rub Jam over each other and sing The Ballard of Eskimo Nell till dawn, pure filth, and it was all her fault. GOT IT?"
By now the crowds in the public galleries of the courtroom were hushed, on the edge of their seats waiting for the judge to pass sentence. Bobo lowered his head expecting the worse and again trying to chew through his left fore paw and take his attention away from the fact that the stitches in his dick had started to itch like hell.
Judge Don Bunga Di Bunga Berlusconi
Judge Don Bunga Di Bunga Berlusconi addressed the court:
"The case against Mrs Gladys Crunchbuttock is dismissed. Not only is she a highly respected member of the Bewdley WI Origami division, but her rendition of all 608 verses of Jerusalem whilst eating her Marmite and Prune Jam-Rolly-Poly with Octopus Testicle Sprinkles is a unique contribution to women kind the world over".
The Judge continued: "Next, due to that dirty lying bastard of a shepherd and the open and honest account of events by the accused I find Bobo Di Labrador not guilty"
At this the court erupted in loud cheering and baaaah ....... baaahing, before eventually the judge dismissed every one from the courtroom, everyone except Bobo himself who was surrounded by Beatrix, numbers 237 and 83 who between them were giving him a blow job through the plaster which was making the sodding stitches itch even more as his erection grew.
At this point and with only his three 6 year old "Secretaries" left in the room now they'd finished trying to find some semblance of an erection with a microscope and a pair of tweezers, Judge Bunga Di Bunga Berlusconi, sweating profusely with a broad grin on his face and saliva running down his chin, looked at Beatrix, numbers 237 and 83 and said:
"Hey guys what are you doing next weekend, I got a real good party planned, just some politicians, bankers, old Jean-Claud Van Rumpy Pumpy and some Mafia mates, 3 or 4 pigs from Gordon McBrown's farm, a couple of cross dressing zebra, oh and a kangaroo who can jump like f*** when she's in the mood. Well guys, what do you think?"
After only a moment's pause Bobo looked up and said "Bark bark f***ing bark".The judge smiled and replied "Of course you can and bring your own plunger, Bellissimo".
Party Time
Three days later Gladys was on her morning walk up the lane, this time in her patriotic red, white and blue striped one piece crotchless bikini and singing Jerusalem but without her WI badge, when 3 unshaven sheep clad in a Gucci suits, fedora hats and carrying violin cases stepped into her path.
"You that f***ing Gladys f***ing Crunchbuttock bitch? Well we're Beatrix's cousins from Sicily and I got a message for you from Don Wooly Di Knicker Elastic".
Beatrix's Cousin
Just as they were opening their violin cases Gladys struck like lightening, killing 2 and fatally wounding the third with the razor sharp daffodil she always carried in the secret pocket of her thong for just such occasions.
The Murder Weapon
(She could of course use the deadly contents of the jar of Cannabis, Frog Spawn and Raspberry Jam, or even the dangerouse multi layered Coronation sponge topped with the reindeer gravy and a sprinkling of Hedghog Toenails. However she had remembered that when she removed either weapon from her knickers they kept snagging on the label and she couldn't remember if she'd put them on back to front that morning).
She buried the three under this year's EU sponsored crop of circular bananas, 3 legged tomatoes and cabbages specially grown on the vine in a likeness of some twat called Jean-Claud Van Rumpy Pumpy in Brussels.
She then continued her walk with a grin on her face and humming Jerusalem, the fools hadn't a clue she was a black belt 9th dan in origami.
TO BE CONTINUED ...................