A MOMENT OF POLITICAL REFLECTION
Somewhere at the beginning of the human race Ugg lived in a cave with his woman Uggnet and daily life was simple, Ugg gave Uggnet a good belting around the head which was the signal for her to lie on her back and open her legs (This was where women first came up with "Not tonight I've got a headache" and "Pull me nighty down when you've finished"), Ugg would have his way with her and afterwards she would start on to him about wearing his dirty stone sandals to bed.
Then one day things changed inevitably for the worse when two men came to Ugg's cave and one asked him.
"Ugg as your neighbours we wondered if you have heard the rumours about something called "Vote For A Democratic Society? Only we had an idea it was something to do with those two new tribes that have moved into the area. Then yesterday morning the Post Office Pterodactyl pushed under our rock two second class tablet's, one saying "Vote For Honest Rumble Stone-Twat" and the other "Vote For Even Honester Hairy Crumble-Git" and both announcing meetings at the town cave so we went along.
The one lots very clean and got creases in their bear skins, while the others don't shave and wear Donky-Sorus Jackets, but both lots had stupid grins on their faces and they never stop talking about themselves. But they both had the
two things in common, firstly they had obviously been educated at Cave-A-Versity, and secondly they were er .... let me see I think I have invented a new word errrr "Ug-ugnut-nitty-bum-tripe", that's it they were both "SLEAZY". Anyway we joined one each and we've come to talk to you about "Share And Share Alike"
Ugg looked at them utterly bewildered ....
"Well what this means is as we are equal we should all share equally for the benefit of all. Now as you know you have one woman and between us we have two so what we would like you to do is let my friend here and I have your woman and you can have both of ours, meaning you get the bigger share, how does that sound?"
Now Ugg had never even been to Cave School let alone Cave-A-Versity, but two shags a day instead of one sounded good so he agreed, picked up his club, put his Sabre Toothed Tiger Snuggles on the lead and went off to number 68 Cave Towers to see his first new woman. But sadly when he got there she lay on the floor stone dead (He could tell she was dead by the 6 foot stone spear stuck in her head).
He went on to Jurassic Avenue and found the same thing with the other woman, by the look of it her head had been used for ten pin rock bowling practice and someone had obviously been very careless trying to find the right finger holes.
Instead of rushing back to his cave to get Uggnett back he decided he deserved a drink down at the new club the Neanderthal Arms, he'd heard they had women performing the latest craze there.
After getting pissed on Dinosaur Testicle Cocktails he angrily started back to his own cave determined to get Uggnett back, those cheating bastards would pay for their deception.
When he got there Uggnet was scantily clad in a new diamond encrusted mink thong and clearly enjoying a leg over with the one man while the other confronted him ...
"Ahhh my dear Ugg I can see you are angry but this is now a Democracy where we pretend there are equal rights for both men and women and what this means is because you are not one of us important people and as you can see Uggnet is enjoying herself this means there are now three of us and only one of you, so what we say goes because that makes us the "Majority", and as the Majority we can do anything we like".
"Of course there's now the tax you have to pay on your cave even though you wont be living here because we've rented it out to our friends in the party and naturally we've sold all your goods to cover our expenses".
"Then there's the fine of course, we haven't decided yet what for yet but we'll dream something up later. I think that's it. Oh no I nearly forgot there's the 85% Oxygen Levy, very useful if you want to keep on breathing".
Ugg looked on more confused than ever to see the look of pleasure on Uggnets face, she wasn't supposed to enjoy her self, selfish cow, so he kicked the shit out of both men and fed them to his pet Sabre tooth Tiger "Snuggles", before giving Uggnet a bloody good belt around the head with his club and she lay on her back with her legs spread wide.
"Democratic Society My Ass!!! Share And Share Alike, What a load of Ugging Bollocks".
Now this was the first example of a "Democracy" that would benefit all ..... (Well some a lot more than others of course, after all some body's got to run it and naturally enough these people should benefit the most). So now we jump forward in time to today to see what has changed.
The Parliamentary member for Bark Hill Sir Humphrey Tosser
was advising his son on his career prospects .....
"Now look Tarquin how would you like to follow the family tradition of being a greedy, two faced, thieving, lying bastard, pretending you actually give a shit about anybody other than yourself. It's called being a "Politician" and you'll be made for life, all the cash you can fiddle, none of that filthy working for a living and you'll get a peerage and 37 pensions at the end of it. To get on this magic gravy train you firstly have to get elected to the House of Fiddlers which means you'll need a degree".
Three days later having gone to the prestigious political "Pretend You Have a Brain Bigger Than a Slug University" and qualified with a double first as a TLB (Thieving Lying Bastard), Tarquin was set fair for an easy life.
Meanwhile in the Houses of Fiddlers Lady Cressida Throb-knob
was on her feet proposing a new Bill before the house .....
"My fellow Parliamentarians I believe I speak for the vast majority of you present here today that we, like those of the House of Lewds, should not be subjected to the ridiculous procedure of having to be elected by the common people. We of course always do what we want anyway regardless of what the stupid electorate say, or think, so lets get rid of this election lark once and for all. Oh by the way I need to fiddle a few more thousand to pay for my Botox and the yacht needs servicing ... Yes of course I'll get a receipt".
And at the same time in the House of Lewds .....
As usual there were not many in attendance, 8 were dead in the corner and at least 15 others had "Secretaries" with their hands down their trousers trying Rhythmically to see if the stupid old farts could raise a spark.
Lord and Lady Kincrook were there as usual in a corner trying to add up exactly how much they were getting from the 168 pensions they were earning from the EU, the House of Fiddlers, the House of Lewds, the Welsh Liberation Army and the Minors Union in the Blancmange Pits of Iggy-Iggy-Iggy-Go-Go Goch.
And Lord Walsingham Fartrangler dressed in his ceremonial pink Lace embroidered Liberty Bodice and matching Nappy took out his gold plated dummy and rose to his feet (With the help of his nanny) and the house went silent (He was the only surviving son of Lord Whistle Bottom-Fartrangler of Fartrangler Hall whose family had been members of the House of Lewds for the last two thousand years and as such was much respected as The Father of The House ..... known to most as Queeny).
"My Lords I wish to raise a point of order on the latest bill from Parliament that would allow all those with a Budgerigar to allow said Budgie (And all their chicks thereafter in perpetuity) to act as the Parliamentary members PA's and Secretary's and therefore allow us to claim back the cost of birdseed at £5000 an ounce.
Furthermore, I believe this should be paid in advance to cover the escalating cost of new solid gold cages, not forgetting the time spent by us all in learning to speak Budgie and the time spent regularly Buggering the Budgie, I propose a lump sum cash payment of £500,000,000 each, paid into our family accounts in the Camen Islands".
Pity the Sabre tooth Tiger is now extinct.