CHAPTER 11
BREXSHIT
Mario and Stefania had been for a night out at their favourite restaurant "The Grab It and Grope It" next door to the cop shop in Quarry Bank, and whilst the food was delicious, tonight there was one draw back. There had just been a strange incident when a private Boing 747 Jumbo Jet with printed in huge letters on the side "Van Rumpy Pumpy Airlines", had been forced to land in the cutt just off Pig Bladder Lane in Gornal.
Those on board had been arrested by the local Rozzers as suspected illegal immigrants (Probably from Wales because no one could understand a bloody word they were saying). Things were even more confusing because they were all wearing posh Gold Lame suits and everyone knew that in Wales the only suits men wore were made of wool, often with the sheep still attached.
They were carted off to the cells in Gornal by Sergent Chipbutty and PC Dripping.
"Oy Dripin goo und see ooo ee is ah kid?". "Bugger me sarg, sum Yammpy Bugger wi a wenches nome, Mishell somat, sanded like Barnthingy", replied the PC. "Yow means Barnpot me sun", said the sarg at which all the locals laughed and all the strangers got even angrier.
Chipbutty looked quizzically at the group and wondered if they were some weird form of posh jungle life from Pedmore destined for the Zoo. Meanwhile Dripin was trying to calm things down with a little light humour.
"Oy Sarg, look a that fat un oo's a shatin imsell, E cor stop a pig in un olley, Oi yow stop tha or Yo'll 'ave a bloody cog-winder in a minute. Wha? Ay Sarg, I think e's a tryin a say Bostin ah kid" and burst out laughing”.
The man was going red and sweating buckets then growled something indecipherable at Dripin, who glared back and between mouthfuls of Black Pudding and Lardy Cake announced .....
"Yow'm avin a loff ol sun, yum is fat as u tonky pig, nah shut it".
At this point the Sargent was about to start phoning round the local Curry houses trying to find an interpreter when Stefania who had heard the commotion walked into the cop shop.
(Luckily for everyone she spoke 159 different languages, including Swiss Cheese, Sperngagle and Dudeli with Tipton dialects, abridged version).
After consulting the Sargent Stefania stepped up to the stranger who was shouting louder than all the others and asked in all 159 languages in 3.4 seconds ...
"And just who are you?".
The stranger pushed his pathetic Pigeon chest out and tipped his head back so far he nearly fell over backwards and looked down a very large nose (The hairs of which reminded Stefania of a small forest infested with large green slugs) and replied ....
Michel Barnfart
"Don't be stupid you moron I am none other than nearly the most important person in this godforsaken dump of a country. I am the European Union Chief Negotiator for Brexshit, Mr Michell Up-My-Own Ars-Barnfart".
"And with me is the President of the EU commission himself, His Majesty, Earl, Baron, Lord God, Jean-Claude Van-Rumpy-Pumpy".
(Formerly a Pension advisor to a Rice Crispy in a shed at the back of the CO-OP (Upsala branch), and winner of the title of Mr World Nobodyness 87 years on the trot).
"And of course Her Royalness Oberleutnant Grupen Furor Angelica Hun Merkstrangler who has just returned from her latest and most successful European Tour, especially to Greece where she was toasted in their unique flavoured wine".
"Now take us away from this dreadful slum, we have a very important meeting somewhere around here with some clown called Jorish Bronson".
Meanwhile the UK Brexshit negotiating team had decided for their next round of negotiations to use "The Grab It and Grope It" as there headquarters. This would show these arrogant Euro gits what life was like in the real England outside London.
It had taken Jorish and his team several months trying to find the "Black Country" on any map. They'd been to the library and searched all the countries throughout the known world (They'd even looked at The Back Of Samy's) and couldn't find one called "Black" and were beginning to think it was down a hole somewhere in somebody's garden.
It wasn't until one of them overheard Noddy Holder at The Ritz one night tucking into a plate of Pork Scratchings and saying to the waiter "Mark my words yom aint guna git gud Scratchins und Fittle ahtside the Black Cuntry wer I cums frum".
Immediatly MI5, MI6, The SAS and The Andy Pandy Detective agency were ordered to keep Noddy under tight survalence until he went home.
(Unfortunatly the Flower Pot Men Murder Squad had been unable to help at the time because they were away on duty hunting down the ex French President Fransewer Oland-Sauce, for inappropriate behavior and the sexual harassment of a female snail by rubbing his leg up against her shell. This disgusting example of totally unacceptable male attitude had come to light only because the snail in question happened to be an under cover member of The Snail Fem Lib Movement and had immediatly reported him to the Snail PC Police).
Eventually having secured the services of The Tank Regiment and The RAF to protect them before entering the unknown teritory north of the Watford Gap, the security services reported that The Black Country was in fact a real place in England.
(Allbeit somewhat uncivilised because apparantly there was no Fortnum and Masons and not even a Harvey Nicks stores there).
Jorish & Cameroon
Unknown to anyone at this time Jorish and his negotiating mates were having a piss-up on Brown Ale and Pints of Mild and enjoying a game of "Shove The Bleedin Euro" in the back bar of the "The Grab It and Grope It" next door.
(This was an updated version of Shove Ha'penny only not so clean, 15 toilet rolls and 8 bottles of Ajax had already been used and they were still only on the knock-out rounds)
Meanwhile Stefania had left the police to sort out their captives and was having a chat with the landlord Luige Crunge who happened to be a third cousin removed on her pet Lama's side. They were discussing Luige's new additions to his menu of Elephant's Ear Sandwiches and Braised Cockroach Testicles in Boiled Knicker Elastic and Birds Custard, when suddenly the head of a white Mop appeared around the back bar door and spoke .....
"I I I I ssssay Luige old chap do you think you could provide us with some more of those delicious ssssscracythings, they're so yummy, oh and another 27 Brown Ales and 56 pints of your wonderful Mmmmmmild beer, thanks ever so".
Luige turned to Stefania with a look of complete incomprehension on his face
"Well I'll goo ta the foot o ar stairs! E's a posh un ay e, never understood a bleedin word but it sandid posh da it?"
Luige
Stefania could tell that Luige was getting a little bored with all this Black Country speak because he'd only been in the area for 82 years so she decided to switch to the more familiar Ungani Bunga Slip Trumble Lama dialect (Abridged version) of his childhood.
"Now look Luige Ungani Bunga Slip Trumble, I don't like the look of that arrogant lot of foreigners the Rozzers have got locked up next door …
(The word Rozzers was also used in Ungani Bunga Slip Trumble Lama, only it wasn't quite as polite as the English version, instead it had something to do with being "The Son of Warthog Shagging Slab Mouthed Weasel Crunge Bungler that must have ran down his sisters leg after a visit to Tesco's meat counter. Very nasty).
“But as you said that talking Mop was very polite, for a Mop that is. Does it have a name"?
"Yes Miss" Luige replied "He's called Jorish Bronson and apparently he's the head of Britain's Brexshit negotiating team".
"Brexshit?" Stefania asked, "What's this Brexshit? Sounds like some kind of silly Breakfast cereal that causes Diarrhoea
"Almost Miss, it seems to be some sort of falling out between some greedy unelected nobodies over there who want to keep their Brex together because they get Squillions of our money in their back pockets and don't care that this is what cause all the shit, and our lot over here who just want the Brex part because we are in enough shit as it is with Mrs Teressa Stumblebumkin the Prime Thingy in charge of our Houses of liars in Westminster.
Luige then spent the next 5 years trying to explain in more detail what was involved but Stefania had fallen asleep when he got to the EU policy on the work permits for illegal immigrant blind 3 legged Whippets and their descendants. Finally she woke up and announced.
"So this is what all the fuss is about, Politics and what the Politicians want? Well the answer seems simple enough to me, in my country we have a straightforward solution to this type of situation involving these people .....
(Although on this occasion sticking them all in a barrel together and telling them to piss in the corner probably wasn't the answer)
"We can either let two of them fight it out man to man, say Mr Jorish Bronson and this Michell Up-My-Own Ars-Barnfart creature .......
........ or we give them all over to the Mother Superior for experimentation in re-thinking their attitude and stop arguing
As it turned out neither of these remedies was necessary.
Sargent Chipbutty and PC Dripping had got fed up with all the shouting from them bloody foreigners in the cells and decided the best course of action. They strode into the cells and announced ......
"Right yow bleedin trespassers we've ad enough, come on Drippin lets give em a bloody good lampin"
So together they did, beating Michell Barnfart,Van-Rumpy-Pumpy and Angelica Hun Merkstrangler to a pulp with Grorty puddings before confiscating all their gold and diamonds and taking them up to the zoo.
They're still there now, all three in the same cage biting and kicking each other to the amusement of the public.
"Well I goo to the foot o our stairs, jus look at them silly buggers"
Postscript:
Jorish Bronson never went back to London, instead he plays domino's and darts with Noddy Holder and the gang in The Grab It and Grope It in Quarry Bank every night, totally addicted to Luige's scratchings and pints of mild. He's even learnt to converse with Luige in Ungani Bunga Slip Trumble.