This is the story of deeply misunderstood member of Bewdley Women's Institute, genteel by nature one minute, yet vicious and fanatical the next when it came to defending her good name and her left toe nail, following various strange incidents that took place near her villa in the ice-cream infested hills of Italy.


Unknown to others outside the highly secretive committee of the WI Coven in Bewdley, she possessed certain skills gained during her life as a Clotted Cream Welder in the Spotted Dick and Broccoli Mines of Cumbria.




"Crunchbuttock Arrested For Sheep Rustling"




Tuesday 8th September


Headlines in the Kidderminster Shuttle, Il Centro and The Oberstdorf Gazette this morning reported the following:


"Crunchbuttock Arrested For Sheep Rustling"


"Well known British socialite and Women's Institute President Elect (Bewdley and Husum Branch) Mrs Gladys Crunchbuttock was yesterday morning arrested near her home in Bellante, Italy for sheep rustling and taken in handcuffs to the local Guardia Da Sheep station.


Once there she was questioned by the head of the Guardia Da Sheep for the region, Major Stefano Di BaBa Blacksheep.



Major Stefano Di BaBa Blacksheep.

Major Di Blacksheep later said in a statement that Mrs Crunchbuttock had been released on bail of 56 Pizza Peperoni and a Horn Toad Canaloni following statements from the only 2 witnesses to the crime.


The first of these witnesses, Bimbo Di Labrador, spoke to reporters as she left the station




Bimbo Di Labrador




"Bark di bark barrrrk bark, barrk di bark bark? Bark eh bark bark, di bark bark? Di Bark bark ??? off eh bark Bark di bark barrrrk bark, barrk di bark bark!!!


Having obtained the help of two specialist interviewers from the nearby asylum this loosely translated as:


"It's nufink to do with me mate, I wuz over the other side of the bleedin field at the time licking me bum and couldn't see nufink. What me? Me??? You dirty swine I don't do that no more, I wuz just a puppy then and I ain't touched a drop since, so f*** off and blame someone else you pervert!!! ........ Besides, it was only a bleedin Pekinese anyway and I didn't know she was only 6 months old, bleedin slut. Anyway I'm off I need a slash"

Wednesday 9th September Morning Edition


 This morning reports reached us that the other witness a certain Bobo Di Labrador had been kept in overnight at the station and after further questioning was due to appear this morning in the high court in Bellante accused of sheep rustling.

Wednesday 9th September Evening Edition


We have just received this report from our court correspondent in Bellante concerning the trial of Bobo Di Labrador earlier today charged with 468 counts of sheep rustling.


Asked if he had anything to say in his defence Bobo Di Labrador replied sullenly with his head down trying to chew his left foreleg off:


"Bark di bark bark. Bark di ill bark barko! Bark Di Bark bark off ...... eh bark Bark di bark barrrrk bark, barrk di bark bark? Bark eh bark bark, di bark bark? Di Bark bark!!! Bark ill ggg bark ............. "


The following translation was then supplied by one of the interviewers from the asylum:

"I'm sorry judge but I wuz just trying to get me leg over Beatrix, that's her over in the visitors' chairs, the tasty one with the Jimmy Choo shoes and Lois Vuitton Tiara".


"Anyway me and Beatrix bin having it away quite regular lately and I'd woken up with a bleedin great hard on after dreaming of the threesome I'd had the day before with her and numbers 237 and 83 and I was getting desperate for relief if you know what I mean. So Beatrix sees what I'm dragging along and she's gagging for it, I've just got the condom on because you cant be too careful these days, when this bleedin woman comes walking up the lane, stops and stares at us".


"Now I know I got a problem because if she tells that f***ing shepherd then I'm dead, he's already caught me at it three times last week, once more and I'm in a tin on the shelf of the pet food section of the Co op. Anyway I shove Beatrix into the ditch and think I'll scare the nosey bitch away, you know run at her and bark a lot, but now I got another problem".


"Every tried chasing someone when your dick's sticking out like a bloody totem pole, but which in my case is dragging along the road? No? Well it don't half bleedin hurt let me tell you. Incidentally that's why I got it in plaster now judge just in case you wondered".


"Anyway off I go down the lane towards the nosy bitch, bouncing along like a five legged f***ing pogo stick and she jumps into the field with all the sheep gets on all fours and starts bleating baaaaaah ....... baaaaaah and I'm just going in after her when the f***ing shepherd turns up and starts to give me a right bollocking,

""What do I pay you for you stupid mut?

Look up there, what are all those bleedin sheep

doing charging around in panic you lazy bastard"".

 The Shepherd

I'm just about to explain they're trying to get away from some nutter with a Women's Institute badge on her bikini and a jar of f***ing jam in her hand going baaaah .......di sodding .......baaaah when the bastard kicks me up the ass and I roll over on me back with 5 legs sticking up in the air but the one in the middles looking very red and swollen and bleeding into the condom which in my panic I'd forgotten to take off".


"This is it I think, as the bastard reaches for his standard issue shepherd's AK47 when Beatrix, numbers 237 and 83 who I'd had the 3 way with and some of their mates push into his intended line of fire and start to explain".


"It was all that nosy woman's fault, and if that's not enough to save Bobo then we're all going on f***ing strike, no more free wool for you mate and no more rubbing those green wellies around my back legs all the time and me having to groan like I'm supposed to be enjoying myself. And I'll tell you something else shit for brains, all those orgasms ..... I faked the f***ing lot of them, every soddin one off 'em. You really think that pathetic useless excuse for a dick ever got me going? Moron!!!! Now put that bleedin gun down and I'll tell you what we're going to do".


"See that silly bitch over there on all fours trying to eat the grass and going baaaah .......di sodding .......baaaah? Well you're going to phone and tell the Guardia Da Sheep that she was trying to capture and kill us for a Bar-B-Q she had planed for her mates in the bloody WI Secret Service Section "MAYJS" (Move And You're Jam Sucker) ....... who were over here on one of them illegal all night raves where they strip naked, rub Jam over each other and sing The Ballard of Eskimo Nell till dawn, pure filth, and it was all her fault. GOT IT?"


By now the crowds in the public galleries of the courtroom were hushed, on the edge of their seats waiting for the judge to pass sentence. Bobo lowered his head expecting the worse and again trying to chew through his left fore paw and take his attention away from the fact that the stitches in his dick had started to itch like hell.


  Judge Bunga

    Di Bunga


Judge Bunga Di Bunga Berlusconi addressed the court:


"The case against Mrs Gladys Crunchbuttock is dismissed. Not only is she a highly respected member of the Bewdley WI Origami division, but her rendition of all 608 verses of Jerusalem whilst eating her Marmite and Prune Jam-Rolly-Poly with Octopus Testicle Sprinkles is a unique contribution to women kind the world over".

The Judge continued:


"Next, due to that dirty lying bastard of a shepherd and the open and honest account of events by the accused I find Bobo Di Labrador not guilty"


At this the court erupted in loud cheering and baaaah ....... baaahing, before eventually the judge dismissed every one from the courtroom, everyone except Bobo himself who was surrounded by Beatrix, numbers 237 and 83 who between them were giving him a blow job through the plaster which was making the sodding stitches itch even more as his erection grew.


At this point and with only his three 6 year old "Secretaries" left in the room now they'd finished trying to find some semblance of an erection with a microscope and a pair of tweezers, Judge Bunga Di Bunga Berlusconi, sweating profusely with a broad grin on his face and saliva running down his chin, looked at Beatrix, numbers 237 and 83 and said:

Hey guys what are you doing next weekend, I got a real good party planned, just some politicians, bankers, old Jean-Claud Van Rumpy Pumpy and some Mafia mates, 3 or 4 pigs from Gordon McBrown's farm, a couple of cross dressing zebra, oh and a kangaroo who can jump like f*** when she's in the mood. Well guys, what do you think?"


After only a moment's pause Bobo looked up and said "Bark bark f***ing bark". The judge smiled and replied "Of course you can and bring your own plunger, Bellissimo".

 Bunga Bunga Party







Three days later Gladys was on her morning walk up the lane, this time in her patriotic red, white and blue striped one piece crotchless bikini and singing Jerusalem but without her WI badge, when 3 unshaven sheep clad in a Gucci suits, fedora hats and carrying violin cases stepped into her path.


"You that f***ing Gladys f***ing Crunchbuttock bitch? Well we're Beatrix's cousins from Sicily and I got a message for you from Don Wooly Di Knicker Elastic".

Three days later Gladys was on her morning walk up the lane, this time in her patriotic red, white and blue striped one piece crotchless bikini and singing Jerusalem but without her WI badge, when 3 unshaven sheep clad in a Gucci suits, fedora hats and carrying violin cases stepped into her path.


"You that f***ing Gladys f***ing Crunchbuttock bitch? Well we're Beatrix's cousins from Sicily and I got a message for you from Don Wooly Di Knicker Elastic".

(She could of course use the deadly contents of the jar of Cannabis, Frog Spawn and Raspberry Jam, or even the dangerous multi layered Coronation sponge topped with the reindeer gravy and a sprinkling of Hedgehog Toenails. However she had remembered that when she removed either weapon from her knickers they kept snagging on the label and she couldn't remember if she'd put them on back to front that morning).


She buried the three under this year's EU sponsored crop of circular bananas, 3 legged tomatoes and cabbages specially grown on the vine in a likeness of some twat called Jean-Claud Van Rumpy Pumpy in Brussels.


She then continued her walk with a grin on her face and humming Jerusalem, the fools hadn't a clue she was a black belt 9th dan in origami.


TO BE CONTINUED ...................




"Gladys Detained By Guardia Da Beach"


Further news has reached us this morning that Mrs Gladys Crunchbuttock, already released on bail accused of sheep rustling, has been arrested again, this time by the Guardia Da Beach for the alleged crime of stealing sand from a public beach"



Others on the beach were shocked when 2 officers from the Guardia Da Beach, dressed in their usual uniform of purple leather peep hole bra and split crotch knickers, (which most people thought was an unusual uniform for men, especially as women officers were allowed to wear black stockings and suspenders and sand resistant pink high heels but the men weren't. Surely discrimination of this kind was against equal rights to look a total prat if you really wanted to).

As the officers on their specially prepared FIAT 3 wheel tricycles, with flared mudguards back and front and a 9 foot high bamboo pole with a flashing blue light painted on a bit of cardboard attached to the top, came roaring along the beach at 1/2 a kilometre per day.


(The roaring sound provided by a specially trained parrot in the box attached to the crossbar and who could perfectly imitate the noise of a lion having his haemorrhoids lanced by a blindfolded nurse with a twitch and a 9 inch blunt needle usually used for crocheting).


As they came closer Gladys became concerned that they appeared to be heading straight for her and wondered what the f*** she'd done now. Selling illegal jam? No it couldn't be that, she'd stopped dealing soon after that priest became ill in the monastery after licking too much of the Marmite, Pigs Trotter and Banana jelly jam he'd spread over the mother superior tits.


 No, so what else? She hadn't sold any more children after her husband Albert had told her the Welsh, who were their only customers, had stopped buying the children to use in their leek mines. The EU courts had decided that leek addiction, amongst the elderly in Welch in particular, was the cause of the increase in violent leek related crime. As such all leek products, including leek jam, leek custard, leek cigarettes, leek anti-freeze, leek liquor and especially leek reefers (popular with 3 year old's) would only be sold under licence from the DVLA in Swansea.

Gladys was still pondering over her guilt or innocence when the two Guardia Da Beach officers put the stands up on their tricycles and took off the of gold and diamond encrusted bicycle clips from around their ankles.


"So madam, what have you got to say for yourself?" said the shorter of the two officers (The decision had been taken several year's before that no patrol officers of the Guardia Da Beach should be taller than 4 feet 3 inches, this would allow them to blend in undetected and pass as children when observing potential criminal activity. However one of the draw backs had been the strange sight of what was supposed to be a 14 year old boy wearing a purple leather peep hole bra, when surly black or red would have been more suitable).


"I beg your pardon officer? What do you mean, what have I got to say for myself? About what? I've just been lying here sunbathing and reading my book, nothing else". "Yes madam but you have also been reported as swimming in the sea and then going back to your car carrying something in a bag" said the second officer (keen to impart his superiority as being taller by 85mm most of which was made up of his sand encrusted back combed blond wig which he clearly thought made him look tough).Guardia Da Beach


Bloody short assed ponce thought Gladys, and just look at those split crotch pants, don't match his feather bower at all.


"So what, its only my bloody towel and make up bag, my phone of course, a bottle of water and some sun tan cream, oh yes and my book of course. I suppose I've also got a change of clothes and 5 or 6 pairs of shoes and 4 or 5 handbags but that's all. No let me think I'm not sure if I put my folding f***ing bike in as well. What the f*** has got to do with you lot what I've got in my sodding beach bag short ass?"


"Now madame don't use that tone of voice with me", said the taller short ass who tried then to stand on his tiptoes just as a 3 inch wave came in and swept him away 30 yards out sea. When he came back wringing out his wig he faced Gladys once more and said in the loudest voice he could must with a mouth full of seaweed and saltwater, a couple of crabs and a very confused looking octopus.


"Madam we believe you are the very same woman spotted on this beach 15 years ago who was reported as steeling sand, so what have you got to say about that then eh, bloody Sand Stealer".


For a moment Gladys was dumbstruck as she thought to herself "Bollocks I thought I'd got away with that. Bloody hell it was only 8 or 9 ton's used for building their 16 bedroom Granny flat in the garden of their house (Clasified at the Comune as a Pig Sty) just outside Bellante and I'd even filled the bloody hole in afterwards".


She'd have to do something about these two and whoever that soddin witness was that grassed me up. In her best voice of reconciliation Gladys said

"OK officers you say someone was a witness? So you tell me who it is and if they are the respectable type who is credible and can be believed, and I'll think about how to answer these ridiculous charges".


After a brief pause tall short ass pushed out his pigeon chest under his peep hole bra and replied


"Only THE most respectable, THE most credible and definitely someone who will only tell the absolute truth, no less than the Mother Superior up at the convent, so there, now what do you have to say for yourself." After appearing to consider this for a short time Gladys said "OK, but I would like to make sure she can recognise me, after all this was supposed to be fifteen years ago, how about we how about we nip up to the convent right now and make sure?".




Sister Eroticana Nipplecruncher


(After the diet)

The two Guardia Da Beach officers chained their tricycles together and left them in charge of the parrot who had been instructed to imitate the sound of a farting orang-outang after a particularly hot vindaloo curry the night before until they returned. They then set off in Gladys's somewhat dented 1956 Fiat Panda (She'd thought after having had it painted red and fixed the Ferrari badges back and front, the flared wheel arches and 48 inch tyres fitted it may just fool some of the Women's Institute members back in Bewdley, all she had to do later was go back and get that bloody parrot, teach him to sound like an F1 roaring off. She could always say it was the new estate version).


When they arrived at the convent they had to wait a few minutes while the Mother Superior Sister Erotecana Nipplecruncher was still having trouble cleaning that sodding Strawerberry and Denture Fixative jam the priest had spread over her tits, she was now reduced to using a mixture of caustic soda

and KY jelly, unfortunately all this achieved was to burn most of skin off at the same time as getting her bleedin randy.

When she entered her office where her guests had been waiting she was dressed to impress. She wore her new hand made Gucci white mink and Ocelot trimmed robes with the emerald encrusted wimple. As she explained away her bright red sweating face was because she had just come out off the steam room, she hoped they wouldn't notice the quivering of her legs because she'd forgotten to take out the Vibro.


 When the officers had asked if she could identify Gladys as the Sand Thief from 15 years ago she immediately confirmed in a voice now rising in intensity as her orgasm approached that this was indeed the same woman. It was at this moment that Gladys recognised this so called Mother Superior, it was none other than that revolting brat Filhamena Mingprinkle Gladys had taught at approved school



The Bishop


This bitch was the one who, at the age of four had been sent there for her part as the getaway driver in the Great Dildo Robbery, and had subsequently done more than anyone to stop Glady's promotion as an Offsted SS Enforcement Officer. And although Gladys had managed to get the bitch expelled for her part in selling 15,000 Kalashnikov's to the Vatican she hated the swine with a vengeance,


(Almost equalled to the time her sponge didn't rise at last year's WI annual Sand & Cement Jubilee Cake Competition for Left Handers when she ran out of the Octopus Testicle spread for the topping).


Again Gladys struck with devastating speed, using her skills as black belt 9th dan in Origami and this time with a double bladed tulip in one hand and a dangerous looking buttercup in the other, she saw off the two Guardia Da Beach officers before standing over a violently quivering Mother Superior who kept screaming




"YESSSSSSSS OH ..... YESSSSSSSS ... I'M NEARLY THERE DONT STOP .... " at which precise moment Gladys plugged the lead from the portable jack hammer she always carried into the Vibro and turned the switch to 26,000 volts, then watched as Filhamena Mingprinkle hit the ceiling three times in rapid succession before finally crashing to the ground, legs spread wide at an acutely unnatural angle, her false teeth melted on the floor where her head should have been and a burning smell coming from the jack hammer


(Which Gladys could have sworn later had had a smile on its face before finally fusing altogether).


She then carried the dead out to her car and buried them along with the other bodies under this years EU sponsored crop of circular bananas and 3 legged tomatoes. After that Gladys decided not to go to the beach for a day or two.




Gladys is now working as a part time Pole Dancer and Mother Superior in the convent, where she especially likes those special occasions when the Monks can wear their Gnu Fur and Lace Lined Crispbread G strings and spend their Vouchers on the Free Lamb or Giraffe Wanking on offer.


Gladys was happy in he new job but she knew it couldn't last. As soon as she'd raised enough to cover the funeral costs of the nine officers she had already helped to the afterlife, any guilt would soon fade away and she could get back to crocheting the Candyfloss and Mint sauce chastity belts for all those nice young lambs that had arrived recently.


Albert loved his spiced lamb jam with coconut and liver omelette, and Gladys's speciality of stewed lamb tail on the bone with the fur on and dipped in warm sheep brains with custard and diced eyeballs. Yummy Yumy.









"The Blur Memoirs"


In the early years Tony Blur had undergone a specialist operation in "Smile Treatment” to improve his appeal to the media (And to his parents because he had been such ugly baby).


Firstly Tony, having previously had an unfortunate accident while trying to remove a sore wisdom tooth when he inadvertently removed his brain at the same time, was sent to the Gadafi Medical Centre in the back of the chip shop in Harrods where Gladys's daughter Totty (Miss Blond 2017) was doing a level one NVQ course in Dental Lobotomy.





She had replaced the missing brain with that of a particularly nasty Toad she'd found under a stone at the back of the bike sheds at the Eton College Brothel. She'd then removed the rest of his now redundant wisdom teeth (Her NVQ course had taught her that "Wisdom" in Toads was very over-rated), together with all his other teeth and replaced the lot with a set of the new battery operated dentures from "Gnashers R Us".


(These were guaranteed to produce a fatuous smile every time he spoke which perhaps could be a little off-putting when for instance he'd announced he was suffering from Post Traumatic Erection Disorder having lost the remote control to his beloved Barby Doll and he'd had to do so with a beaming smile on his face and crying floods of tears at the same time. They weren't real tears of course, just implants Totty had put in that flowed freely every time he farted).






Around this time Cheery's parents decided to improve the looks of their ugly child and a friend of theirs had recommended the well known clinic "REA & MICKS. Unfortunately they mistakenly sent her to READY-MIX. Since then every time Cheery tried to smile the 56 kilo's of face cement she used to cover up her permanent scowl cracked so much that her face fell off. The only solution was to have what others might see as some trendy face piercings, which were in fact magnetic studs to fix her face back on.


Tony's childhood sexual fixation with dolls had continued until he met Cheery one day in his local Toys R Us store. She'd climbed to the top of the stack of shelves where she was fiddling with the latest Buzz Lighter-year doll trying to get its trousers off, Tony immediately grabbed a Little Miss Moffat doll and quickly climbed up the shelves and soon he and Cheery were writhing in ecstasy (No sooner had Cheery got the pants off Buzz Lighteryear than Tony ripped off Little Miss Moffat left leg and got the KY jelly out. They were truly made for each other and were married the the very next day in the Cathedral in Toy Town.













 Little Miss Moffat                                               

  Buzz Lightyear


Over the years of their married life Tony continued to struggle to control his farts. He'd been to a dinner at the Welsh Ambassador's one night where they'd had Leek Curry for pudding, the next day he farted so much he had to call out the RNLI to stop him from drowning in his own tears. Nevertheless he pursued his career as a door to door Liar Salesman which if successful would qualify to join the elite and become a Politician.



Cheery in the meantime had decided she needed to leave her office as "President of Dodgy Investments" at the HSBC Bank, (Hello from the Salacious Bloodsucking Corporation). This would give her the opportunity to fulfil her ambition of becoming head of the prestigious DPWSGBI ("Devious Politicians Wives And Slimy Grasping Bitches Institute") at its headquarters in the private lounge bar of the new 16 story gold plated Powder Room extension to the Westminster Palace of Expenses Fiddling. If she succeeded this would place her in the ideal position to help Tony to lie his way to the very top of the political cesspit.

To help her achieve this Cheery needed some cash and her latest venture was to buy the whole of Hampton Court with a dodgy Government Housing Grant from some Lefty London Council and turn it into a luxury toilet block, then rent it back to the Royals when they felt the need for a whoopsy. Unfortunately her application for the Grant had stalled because Prince Charles was only prepared to let the project go ahead if she could guarantee that only recycled Puff Pastry Toilet Rolls were used and Mary Berry had told her to get stuffed when he had asked her for the recipe. She was now looking at recycled Toffee wrappers as a substitute.


Tony had won the prestigious Arthur Scargill International Liar Of The Year award at the TUC conference and was proclaimed leader of the Loopy Party, but he couldn't start fiddling his expenses until he'd registered his Goldfish as his Secretary. (The stupid bloody fish had recently broken a fingernail and kept getting her shorthand mixed up).


Cheery had done a secret deal with Diane Abbotski to demolish Buckingham Palace and replace it with a luxury nursing home for select Loopy Party members and Union officials, alongside a giant Toys R Us store where she and Tony could enjoy Doll Fiddling to their hearts content.


Then sadly one day it all went wrong. They had been to a wife swapping party with the President of America George Shrub and his wife Barbrakins when George told him the FBI had discovered little green men on Mars were planing to attack earth with deadly lollipop stick's (Which as it turned out was a complete load of bollocks because the year before when Barbrakins was shagging a particularly nasty little green man on Mars he'd insulted her about the size of the warts on her tits. From that day she swore to get even and invented the story about Lollipop weapons of destruction,


Tony fell hook line and sinker for the lie and immediately ordered the British Army to invade Mars and find all these deadly lollipop sticks. It soon became clear there were no such weapons. Tony was forced to resign as Prime Minister and instead of a life on a Public Speaking tour of the world where he could earn 50 million pounds a minute advising anyone with the IQ of a small mollusc how to be a successful liar.





Would you buy a car from him?


Instead he and Cheery were incarcerated in a room of sheltered housing in "Corbinski Towers" that consisted of some of Corbinski's old bits of beard stuck to the walls as insulation that still had bits of scrambled egg and snot stuck to it. They didn't have many visitors due to the appalling smell and Un-surprisingly failed to fiddle a housing grant to improve it. READY-MIX were called in to permanently remove Cheery's face (They buried it face up in the outside lane of the Customs Control at Dover to discourage illegal immigrants. Since then they'd all gone to WALES).


And finally Totty was called in to remove his Gnashers Are Us dentures, he was then castrated with a pair of rusty garden sheers, a 52 inch dildo was shoved up his ass and a sealed space helmet fixed to his head with a constant supply of Stilton Cheese and Vindaloo Curry Fart pumped into it 24 hours a day.


And the world lived happily ever after .......











Gladys had been relaxing in the Jacuzzi at the WI headquarters in the upstairs bar of the Snip & Grapple when she took the call from her friend Alicia Plunge from the Bewdley WI Secret Service Section "MAYJS" (Move And You're Jam Sucker) .......


"Sorry to disturb you Gladys but could you nip down the shops later and get us some nibbles for the meeting later, Dame Grizelda's maid's come down with the wimsey and they've taken her down to the bakery to have her boil off. We don't need much, probably just some Oysters, a couple of pounds of Foie Gras, some Lark's Tongue's, some char grilled porpoise ears, maybe 3 or 4 Roast Swan, a couple of packets of Sheep's Eyes, oh and some of those lovely roundels of Figs, Snails Ears and Ground Caterpillar Testicles in Aspic, Yummy Yummy".


"Of course" replied Gladys, "Albert's gone off Nerd Wangling again with the Vicar. Apparently they've got some new Throstles and you know how men feel about their Throstles, especially in this heat, makes their Thrumbles swell up something awful, so I'll just need to borrow the car".




The WI Runabout

An hour or so later Dame Grizelda's chauffeur Bert turned up in the WI runabout. It had been repossessed from the local Labour candidate after he lost his deposit in the last local Council election and tried to pay the fine in Groats.


Bert dropped Gladys off at the new 56 story Fortnum and Mason built where the old Doctors Surgery was in the town centre car park. Trouble was the planners had got it wrong again as usual, they'd forgotten the preservation order on the Gents Bogs which meant you had to walk through the Urinals to get to get to the tills when checking out. Didn't half stink on a hot day.


An hour or so later and all her shopping done Gladys was waiting in the queue for the till when this woman appeared shoving everyone out of her way.


"Oi yu lo le me fru, out o my way I'm importunt I'm u bleedin selebriy see so shift".






Unfortunately for the poor deluded moron Gladys didn't move but stood her ground.


"Just who are you" Gladys politely asked.


"Wa? Don't be bleedin stoopid corse yer recog ..... ah reckethingy ..... er .... neze? No ... noze? No ang on a jiff I'll git it in a thingy ........ wat the bleedin ell was it? Fuck me wot was that sodin word our Casandra sed in the life style thingy clinik this mornin? .... Regorganize? Recondisterisze? Ang on I'm gitin there ..... use that bleedin word assocyashun thing. Think gal think! FURST ME NIPPLES YEA? .... THEN ME TITS? .... YEA .... AN WHATS THAT BLEEDIN FING OUR GRAN HAS ROUND ER TITS? ... YEA ... A THINGY! A WOTSIT! NAW YA SILLY COW ITS A BRA ..... AN WOTS THAT GOT IN COMON WIV YER SHUES?.... THEY BOFE CUM IN A DIFERUNT SIZE YA SILLY COW! GOT IT MISSES ... Yu goda "Recognasize" me that's it, recognizius me .... caus I'm a bleedin selebrury ..... in it. So course you recog .... (Oh Fuck it) .... Corse ya do darlin .... corse ya do, yer avin me on aint ya .... gora know me mate. Ahh cum on mate yu gora know me, I'm Trixibell .... Trixibell off the bleedin tele, yu gora know me I told ya I'm a bleedin slebrury".


"Got picked out o fouzanda's I did. It wuz in the Tesco in Clacton wen Peers Moron came in lookin for the next star ov is new Realyality Show "I'M A COMPLETE PRAT, GIT ME OVER IT". Wun ands down I did, I wuz the only girl in Esicks that day oo wuz wearin any pants. Well it wuz un axsidunt really. See our Tarqin wuz down to avin is implants that day an I ad the crabs din I?, well in aint fair is it? Cood a bin faitul, I'm scratchin me crak an them bleedin fings jumpin everywhere. An besides, its me kickers wot usually keeps me ankles warm but I put sum soks on as well. Clever, in it?


Gladys felt sorry for the poor creature, took out a razor sharp Gladioli from her pants and threatened to cut the girls vocal cords and put her out of her misery.


"Look dear we don't like that sort of behaviour around here, so firstly please be patient and wait your turn, and secondly please be quiet you sound like a ..... "


But at that point Gladys's voice was drowned out by the public address system and a very posh voiced lady announced .....












What does an Essex Girls use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.


How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex?


She shuts the Cortina's door.


What's the difference between Essex and Mars?


There might be intelligent life on Mars.


Why didn't the Essex Girl go all the way on her first date ?


Cos he didn't pay for her chips.


What’s the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl?


A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.


How do you know when an Essex girl has had an orgasm?


She drops her bag of chips.


Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?


It kept falling out.


Why don't Essex girls breast-feed their babies?


Because it's too painful to boil their nipples


Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger?


You can park in the handicapped spaces.


Why don't Essex girls eat bananas


They can't find the zips


What did the Essex Girl say when she was told she was pregnant ?
How do you know it's mine?.


By now Trixibell was in tears.


"Ahhhh ain tha nice, finkin of me lik tha, bless."





Trixibell at Breakfast


At that point the van arrived from the Asylum and the two men in white coats helped Trixibell into the straight jacket.


"Don't worry ladies she'll be alright, we'll get her into the ….. I'M NOT REALLY A CELEBRITY JUST A BIT DELUDED AND A TRULY BORING ATTENTION SEEKING MORON WARD.


"There's no TV on the ward, we just play continuous 24 hour recordings of repeat episodes of Mrs Dales Diary and why she's worried about Jim. They usually get back to normal in 25 to 30 years".






Stefania was the daughter of the village beauty queen, part time Truss Maker and who also ran the local Rice Paper Condom factory, Mrs Mama Bleedin-Mia. 
She had not been very happy at the thought of bringing up yet another daughter on top of the 27 other girls she'd given birth to. Selling them to the Un-Blessed Order of Heroin Monks up at the Transvestite and Gay Monastery for more than 2 Profiteroles and a Tiramisu was getting difficult. Father Josaphina was getting fed up with the Girls dressing up in the Brothers' Diamond Encrusted Gold Lame Jockstraps and he couldn't tell male from female any more. 
(The Hermaphrodites were easy to tell apart because of the strawberry jelly and cornflake chastity belts they wore).
As a result Mrs Mama Bleedin-Mia had decided to offload Stefania as early as possible to the local Mafia boss Don Tossalot who would see to it that the child was educated in the finer arts of Mafioso Prostitution and then sell her on to the pimps at the Vatican. Besides which as well as the 2 Profiteroles and a Tiramisu for which he'd agreed to buy the girl he threw in a Cannalloni because even though Stefania was only 9 months old he said she had great tits (Amongst other things).
Mario's parents Ambrogio and Julietta on the other hand had been a lovely young couple who, apart from having a strange dress sense, had been looking forward to having their first child and at 6 months old he was doted on during the day while they both worked the night shift deep underground at the local Pecorino Mines.
Then sadly one day there was a tragic accident underground. The owners of the mine, the Berlusconi Brothers, had secretly been buying ever cheaper roofing supports made from cream crackers well below the Government specification issued by the EU of 3.5763 parts white flour to 1.32 parts Proseco, the result of which had caused the binding agent of Bats' Milk to fail to set properly.
Inevitably this would cause major problems when these vastly inferior cream crackers had been used to shore up the walls of the Pecorino mine and one night a previously undiscovered seam of Gorgonzola broke through the crackers and stank both Ambrogio and Julietta violently to death before they could get their Anti Smell Celery Nose Protectors strapped on. A tragic end to a loving young couple, leaving Mario an orphan to be brought up by his uncle Don Tossalot.
(The mine was eventually reopened having been sold to His Excellency Lord Alfonso Double Gloucester-Cheddar-Stilton and re-strengthened with Crispbread)
Three years later and now living in the care of Don Tossalot, Mario and Stefania had been married when they reached the consenting age of three and a half in the new progressive "What's A Virgin?" church situated in the bomb proof bunker at the bottom of the garden at Don Tossalot's villa.
The hormone treatment of Grated Bats Testicles, Black Pudding and LSD that Mama Tossalot had bottle fed Stefania on from birth had clearly worked in developing Stefania's insatiable sexual appetite from a very early age.
It was also clear that Mario too been bought up according to the proper church code. His baby bouncer fitted with the correct rhythm motor building steadily from five to forty thrusts a minute with his dick glued into the Rice Pudding (With Jam) Ocelot lined training vagina strapped to the floor 2 feet below.
As the Bishop had advised following their marriage, the Mother Superior had locked them naked into the Randy Room with its various 685 erotic appliances, 500 kilos of KY Jelly, 15 meter wide Porno Only Screen with sound surround and a constant supply of Viagra sandwiches. 


Having now both reached the age of seven they were getting a little tired of the Mother Superior Mama Tossalot's constant nagging about when they were going to start a family.
And with still no offspring Mama Tossalot was beginning to wonder if Mario was secretly a homosexual Shetland Pony fancier (She'd already had the herd sterilised and moved up the mountains just in case).
Throughout this time naturally other specific areas of their education had not been neglected that would prove invaluable for their future happiness.
Body Disposal
Erotic Porridge Bribery Techniques (Stefania's speciality)
Ego Gratification Through Violence
Prostate Removal By Tai Chi
Simple Mutation Techniques Using A Microwave (Mario's Favourite)
Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
Pimping for Transsexual kangaroo's and Politicians
Bonsai Your Pet
 Now they both desperately wanted a change of scene so they got into the rather quaint little motorhome Uncle Berlusconi had bought them as a wedding present.
So secretly one night they loaded the AK-47s and Anti Tank Missiles that the nuns had given them as their christening presents into the back and with the fifty billion euros Stefania kept hidden in her elasticated gold lame thong they set off in search of a new home ........
..........having had the special seating installed it would be a happy journey
To be continued .....





In this time of Gender equality the Government has agreed to start Women Only Driving Schools. The platform for the course was devised after cameras where placed in strategic areas monitoring women driving in a variety of places, such as outside schools, supermarket car parks, town and city centres, rural country lanes, dual carriageways and motorways etc.
The Government spokesperson Professor Albert Crunchbuttock DS, VD & Scar, stressed this was essential to maintain the current standard set by the vast majority of women drivers today.

"It is imperative that at all times you should adhere to the fundamental points in the sections below and remember, if in doubt carefully observe other women driving”.

Prepare properly


When replacing the rear view mirror with one large enough to get your entire body in to check whether you have put weight on since the last time you wore that dress, ensure the mirror is Anti-Glare, as usual you should never ever allow yourself to be distracted by what's going on behind.


Allways ensure the plugs you've had replaced where the Wing Mirrors used to be are a good fit for your new electric leg shaver, you don't want to have to lean too far out of the window and run the risk of disturbing your hair.


Remove the yellow post-it notes your husband stuck on the indicators explaining what they're for and throw them out the window.

Things To Note In Last Year's Diary


On the odd occasion you are sober enough your vehicle's windscreen may need cleaning. It's sometimes necessary to be able to see out of it, (Not the rear windscreen of course).


Every few years your vehicle may also occasionally need something called “Servicing” so go on Facetwat and find out what a “Garage” is.



"Junctions & Turnings"


When you have finally reached the front of the queue at a junction, never ever pull out before first checking your mobile phone for the last month's messages. And remember Do Not overstretch your arm and run the risk of getting creases in your sleeves by using that blasted hands free thing. Then while you're still texting your hairdresser to confirm your next appointment just ignore any other vehicles approaching and pull out when you feel like it. (At this point it's best to ignore those loud noises going on around you, this appointment is very important).


Any time you wish to turn left or right obviously DO NOT let other drivers know which way you are going, nosey bastards. Even in the unlikely event you have the faintest idea of which way you are going, or in fact where the indicators are situated, you could well chip your nail varnish in doing so.
And remember, having almost decided which way you want to turn NEVER EVER brake too early, this could well cause a smudge as you are doing your lipstick. (An additional tip is that it's always best to leave breaking to the very last millisecond if you want to beak-in those new shoes by slamming whichever foot you've chosen that day down as hard as possible on the break pedal, assuming you've remembered which one it is.



In Town


Ensure to drive slowly enough in the town centre so you can do your window shopping at the same time and if necessary stop in the middle of the road and make a note of how much those really nice shoes were.


On two way streets less than a quarter of a mile wide always be aware of the width of your vehicle. If the space between you and any oncoming traffic is likely to be less than 25 meters stop and remain in your position a minimum of 5 meters from the curb on your left. And it's probably advisable at this time to paint your toe nails until the danger has passed.

Out of Town


At any time should there be less than 500 vehicles in a queue behind you, you are driving too fast, so slow down, regardless of whether you have finished putting in your new earrings, still changing your pants, or trying on your new shoes.


Never ever go above 5 miles an hour whilst in the outside or middle lane of a motorway, and take great care to keep looking straight ahead ignoring any horns blowing, or rude hand gestures coming from other drivers as this may cause you to lose your concentration whilst trying on your new Bra. And under no circumstances ever let anyone into the lane that you have decided is your own personal property.




When Parking at public car parks or Supermarkets make sure you have enough room to get out so you wont crease your new blouse, and if somone else has taken up too much space just nudge them out of the way.


When parking in the street always ensure you wait in the middle of the road and block the traffic both ways if you can whilst all 4 lorries and the 3 buses have been moved to allow you sufficient space to go in forwards. This is partly because you will almost certainly have no idea where reverse gear is, and partly that, even if you were lucky enough to find it, turning around to see where you are going you may well disturb you hair on the head rest as well as creasing your new top.


With A Man In The Car

And at all times remember ......

Your rights as a woman driver under Gender Equality laws entitle you to drive any bloody way you like, in the safe knowledge that the police and other law enforcement agencies will be scared shitless to prosecute you lest they be accused by all the liberal minded Do-Gooders, the Gay & Lesbian Community and the BBC of sexism.

Professor Albert Crunchbuttock DS, VD & Sca




Somewhere at the beginning of the human race Ugg lived in a cave with his woman Uggnet and daily life was simple, Ugg gave Uggnet a good belting around the head which was the signal for her to lie on her back and open her legs (This was where women first came up with "Not tonight I've got a headache" and "Pull me nighty down when you've finished"), Ugg would have his way with her and afterwards she would start on to him about wearing his dirty stone sandals to bed.




Then one day things changed inevitably for the worse when two men came to Ugg's cave and one asked him.


"Ugg as your neighbours we wondered if you have heard the rumours about something called "Vote For A Democratic Society? Only we had an idea it was something to do with those two new tribes that have moved into the area. Then yesterday morning the Post Office Pterodactyl pushed under our rock two second class tablet's, one saying "Vote For Honest Rumble Stone-Twat" and the other "Vote For Even Honester Hairy Crumble-Git" and both announcing meetings at the town cave so we went along.


The one lots very clean and got creases in their bear skins, while the others don't shave and wear Donky-Sorus Jackets, but both lots had stupid grins on their faces and they never stop talking about themselves. But they both had the


two things in common, firstly they had obviously been educated at Cave-A-Versity, and secondly they were er .... let me see I think I have invented a new word errrr "Ug-ugnut-nitty-bum-tripe", that's it they were both "SLEAZY". Anyway we joined one each and we've come to talk to you about "Share And Share Alike"


Ugg looked at them utterly bewildered ....


"Well what this means is as we are equal we should all share equally for the benefit of all. Now as you know you have one woman and between us we have two so what we would like you to do is let my friend here and I have your woman and you can have both of ours, meaning you get the bigger share, how does that sound?"



Now Ugg had never even been to Cave School let alone Cave-A-Versity, but two shags a day instead of one sounded good so he agreed, picked up his club, put his Sabre Toothed Tiger Snuggles on the lead and went off to number 68 Cave Towers to see his first new woman. But sadly when he got there she lay on the floor stone dead (He could tell she was dead by the 6 foot stone spear stuck in her head).


He went on to Jurassic Avenue and found the same thing with the other woman, by the look of it her head had been used for ten pin rock bowling practice and someone had obviously been very careless trying to find the right finger holes.


Instead of rushing back to his cave to get Uggnett back he decided he deserved a drink down at the new club the Neanderthal Arms, he'd heard they had women performing the latest craze there.





After getting pissed on Dinosaur Testicle Cocktails he angrily started back to his own cave determined to get Uggnett back, those cheating bastards would pay for their deception.


When he got there Uggnet was scantily clad in a new diamond encrusted mink thong and clearly enjoying a leg over with the one man while the other confronted him ...


"Ahhh my dear Ugg I can see you are angry but this is now a Democracy where we pretend there are equal rights for both men and women and what this means is because you are not one of us important people and as you can see Uggnet is enjoying herself this means there are now three of us and only one of you, so what we say goes because that makes us the "Majority", and as the Majority we can do anything we like".


"Of course there's now the tax you have to pay on your cave even though you wont be living here because we've rented it out to our friends in the party and naturally we've sold all your goods to cover our expenses".


"Then there's the fine of course, we haven't decided yet what for yet but we'll dream something up later. I think that's it. Oh no I nearly forgot there's the 85% Oxygen Levy, very useful if you want to keep on breathing".


Ugg looked on more confused than ever to see the look of pleasure on Uggnets face, she wasn't supposed to enjoy her self, selfish cow, so he kicked the shit out of both men and fed them to his pet Sabre tooth Tiger "Snuggles", before giving Uggnet a bloody good belt around the head with his club and she lay on her back with her legs spread wide.


"Democratic Society My Ass!!! Share And Share Alike, What a load of Ugging Bollocks".


Now this was the first example of a "Democracy" that would benefit all ..... (Well some a lot more than others of course, after all some body's got to run it and naturally enough these people should benefit the most). So now we jump forward in time to today to see what has changed.


The Parliamentary member for Bark Hill Sir Humphrey Tosser


was advising his son on his career prospects .....





"Now look Tarquin how would you like to follow the family tradition of being a greedy, two faced, thieving, lying bastard, pretending you actually give a shit about anybody other than yourself. It's called being a "Politician" and you'll be made for life, all the cash you can fiddle, none of that filthy working for a living and you'll get a peerage and 37 pensions at the end of it. To get on this magic gravy train you firstly have to get elected to the House of Fiddlers which means you'll need a degree".


Three days later having gone to the prestigious political "Pretend You Have a Brain Bigger Than a Slug University" and qualified with a double first as a TLB (Thieving Lying Bastard), Tarquin was set fair for an easy life.


Meanwhile in the Houses of Fiddlers Lady Cressida Throb-knob


was on her feet proposing a new Bill before the house .....




"My fellow Parliamentarians I believe I speak for the vast majority of you present here today that we, like those of the House of Lewds, should not be subjected to the ridiculous procedure of having to be elected by the common people. We of course always do what we want anyway regardless of what the stupid electorate say, or think, so lets get rid of this election lark once and for all. Oh by the way I need to fiddle a few more thousand to pay for my Botox and the yacht needs servicing ... Yes of course I'll get a receipt".


And at the same time in the House of Lewds .....


As usual there were not many in attendance, 8 were dead in the corner and at least 15 others had "Secretaries" with their hands down their trousers trying Rhythmically to see if the stupid old farts could raise a spark.


Lord and Lady Kincrook were there as usual in a corner trying to add up exactly how much they were getting from the 168 pensions they were earning from the EU, the House of Fiddlers, the House of Lewds, the Welsh Liberation Army and the Minors Union in the Blancmange Pits of Iggy-Iggy-Iggy-Go-Go Goch.


And Lord Walsingham Fartrangler dressed in his ceremonial pink Lace embroidered Liberty Bodice and matching Nappy took out his gold plated dummy and rose to his feet (With the help of his nanny) and the house went silent (He was the only surviving son of Lord Whistle Bottom-Fartrangler of Fartrangler Hall whose family had been members of the House of Lewds for the last two thousand years and as such was much respected as The Father of The House ..... known to most as Queeny).




"My Lords I wish to raise a point of order on the latest bill from Parliament that would allow all those with a Budgerigar to allow said Budgie (And all their chicks thereafter in perpetuity) to act as the Parliamentary members PA's and Secretary's and therefore allow us to claim back the cost of birdseed at £5000 an ounce.


Furthermore, I believe this should be paid in advance to cover the escalating cost of new solid gold cages, not forgetting the time spent by us all in learning to speak Budgie and the time spent regularly Buggering the Budgie, I propose a lump sum cash payment of £500,000,000 each, paid into our family accounts in the Camen Islands".


Such a Pity the Sabre tooth Tiger is now extinct.







Dealing With The Council

Having travelled around the notorious exotic drug ridden areas of Chorltum Cum-Occasionaly Mario and Stefania finally bought a tumbled down cottage in the rural countryside near a small town called Bewdley in Worcestershire. The restoration work would obviously take some time so they thought it best to take up residency and try to fit in with the locals.


And so in search of the department responsible for registering his residency Mario walked around the numerous palatial marble lined offices of Bewdley Town Council, but finding them all empty and with no signage anywhere he just wandered around aimlessly for an hour or so before eventually finding a door marked






Councillor Weasel Snotrag


He could hear a low rumble of voices coming from inside so he tentatively knocked and opened the door slightly. Inside through the fog from the Hashish Pipes were a strange group of about 25 people gathered around an extremely fat and sweaty individual sat behind a desk with a gold crown on his head and the words COUNCILLOR WEASEL SNOTRAG, TOWN CLERK picked out in diamonds.

At first no one saw Mario as he poked his head around the door and they continued their heated debate, all yelling and shouting at the same time, with one woman in particular with a nail studded baseball bat and the words Mr/Mrs/Ms/It/Thing Hilda Bat CONSUMER AFFAIRS ENQUIRIES written down the side of it whose loud booming baritone voice was demanding ...............

"Look you fat bastard, they're my f***ing paper-clips you two faced grasping lying UN CIVIL SERVANT shit ..... I bought the f***ing things out of my own f***ing tea money jar so f*** off and ... ".

As Mario stood silently with his mouth agape the woman slowly turned, put down the bottle of gin she'd been drinking from and the spliff in the other hand, screwed up her eyes and glared at him



Mr/Mrs/Ms/It/Thing Hilda Bat


"Who the f*** are you then mister? Government inspector, Wanker? A Waste Management and Disposal Technician? (Bin Man), A Highway Environmental Hygienist? (Road Sweeper), Or a sodding Transparency Enhancement Facilitator? (Window Cleaner). You're Interrupting a very important f***ing meeting here mate so come on which is it? You cant be an ordinary member of f***ing public because it says on the bleedin door you cant f***ing come in here don't it?".

She slowly walked towards him until the tip of her nose pressed up against his .....

"Its private, got it? Now who are you and what the f*** do you want? Eh? Come on out with it before I call Angelique and the Gnu's in security.

Mario hesitated before replying in a whisper .....

"I didn't mean to interrupt , honest, I only came here looking for a residency form but there was no one else in the building and .... ".

"What? A bleedin residency form, is that all you want? You interrupt an official f***ing council meeting asking for a bleedin residency form!!!!! .... You sure you're not from that elf and bleedin safety lot come up hear for a fag? Cos if you are ....".

"No no, I just want a residency form" Mario stammered. She looked accusingly at him "Mmmm, you'd better not be pissing me about, sodin public, come with me then".

The woman led Mario to an unmarked steel door and told him to wait while she entered and he heard her on the phone .....

"La La Tinckerbell get me a sodin residency form from the safe ...... no no not the bleedin forged ones for those illegal immigrant Welsh bastards family's working in the Leek Mines, get me a real one, some tosser thinks he wants to live around here".

She came back out and gave him a threatening look .....

"You'd better remember for the future that you don't just wander into any important busy council offices like these whenever you fancy it. GOT IT? We've all got very important jobs to do around here. And what are all us important people doing around these important building's that's so bleedin important? Looking after you and all that f***ing rabble out there called the bleedin Local Sodin Community, bunch of f***ing tossers the lot of em"

"Now take your worthless ass out of here, go home to your slum, fill out your stupid 628 page Government form on residency, attach a photograph of your Grandmothers dog to prove who you are and post it back to this important office and then wait". She then continued through gritted teeth, "You may then, or may not depending on how important we view the situation, receive notification of a site inspection by our highly qualified and very important Inspection Officer, who has a Local Government Contract which even includes part use of a chair on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons on a tri-monthly basis".

She continued in an obviously jealous tone ......

"And I might add, he even has a small travel and living allowance, in line with the officially approved EU, Unite Union, Parliamentary Expenses, Same Sex Marriage Department, and Local Council Office Twats Guidelines, which clearly states ......

"Said allowances not to exceed the standard £5,000 per day when working within 100 yards of place of employment, and no more than twice that amount (£10,000) per overnight stay within 120 yards of the persons recognised normal domicile. This amount to exclude the use of more than three prostitutes per night unless said prostitutes are provided by The Widows And Orphans "Prostitute Division" of The Ex Council Employees Wives Guild".

The final words from Mr/Mrs/Ms/It/Thing Hilda Bat were left ringing in Mario's ears, (Clearly a very Important politically correct hermaphrodite also with a Local Government Contract which included the use of a chair anytime on a Thursday in a leap year between 8.00 and 8.15am should she wish to pick her nose while watching porn on the council computer (Vibro's not included), and providing Councillor Weasel Snotrag didn't want the chair to fondle his imitation plastic Barby doll "Spanky".


"Got all that sonny? Now piss off and don't f***ing bother us important people again S*** face". What he didn't hear was her quietly saying to herself "Who do these F***ing useless f***ing members of the F***ing public think they F***ing are.




Building Inspector

Three years later when the council Building Inspector finally appeared on site to check the property he noticed straight away that these people had done the right thing by removing the wheels from their camper van, although resting it on some empty milk bottles may have raised the odd doubt in his mind he kept that to himself in case he wanted to use it against them in future. (He had been trained at the prestigious David Cameroon Academy for Devious, Lying, Self Important, utterly useless Gits).

The Inspector was leaning against some partially secured 40 foot scaffolding poles held together with bits of garden string, Prit-stick and 3 elastic bands, when Stefania leaned around the door of the camper van as it tilted over dangerously and offered to get him a glass of wine.

"Yea" he replied "but make it a large one, I always make a point of getting as pissed as possible on duty, providing its free of course".

A minute or two later on her way with the crate of wine Stefania stumbled a little and spilt a tiny drop of the Chianti Classico Special Reserve 1892. At this the astute inspector noticed that whilst Stefania's Giorgio Armani hand made lime green and shocking pink dungarees looked perhaps a just little ostentatious for a building site, her 18 inch heel Prada shoes (One of 138 identical pairs she thought suitable to bring with her from Italy) were sinking into the filthy quagmire so far it almost reached up to her delicately painted toe nails.

"Stop" he cried "You could do yourself or someone else a serious injury in that inappropriate footwear, you could fall and hurt yourself, or even worse trip over and bring me down with you. No no no no no, this is clearly a case of exceeding Health and Safety laws so I am shutting this site down and you can't live in that garish camper van, the colours are all ridiculous, far too bright for this part of the countryside, no no I'm condemning it, you'll just have to find somewhere else to live while you do the cottage up. Now get down to the Council Offices and tell them what I said, that this is a serious Health and Safety issue and they are to find you some suitable alternative temporary accommodation". ................




Temporary Council Accommodation


So they did, and fifteen years later Mario and Stefania were still living in their "Suitable Alternative Temporary Accommodation", provided by the local council at a rent of 26 pence a week situated in parkland next door to their still untouched dilapidated cottage.

And now, apart from both their parents, grandparents, 143 cousins, and 48 members of the Welsh Leek Mining Revolutionary Force have all moved in.

Don Tossalot regularly comes to stay and runs a lovely Crèche teaching the children about the benefits of drug dealing and prostitution for the local community and takes advance classes on the corruption of Local Councillors and Politicians using a knife and fork, as well as several different methods of how to Bonsai your Pet.


Pope Wayne 3rd

Mario now spent much of his time organising the regular luxurious Whippet and Tripe weekends for the coach party's from the Vatican. And it was on one of these trips when he and His Holiness Pope Wayne 3rd were down the local disco at The Jehovah Witnesses Night Club in Dog Lane. They were out the back having a fag when the Pope asked him if he'd ever been "Nerd Wrangling" and when Mario replied he'd never heard of it the Pope went on to explain the fun he'd had the first time he'd tried it when he went with a chap called Albert Crunchbuttock and an Octopus to a Convent in the hills around Bellante.


Mario became fascinated by the whole idea and the next day went down the Co-op and brought a pair of Throstles, a left handed Mange Werdal, and a Thrundle together with an industrial size jar of Marmite. Early next morning he put on the Truss the Pope lent him and off they went. Since that day Mario had built his own Wrangler, painted it in Cherry Jam and taught the Octopus how to Rundle it with his Sprickle and keep going until his leg dropped off and then the toast came out covered in Marmite. It was a site to see and the nuns always came out to watch.

Meanwhile Stefania had discussed an idea in detail with Mario, Don Tossalot and Pope Wayne 3rd and had decided on an exiting new career path.

As Mario was by now Manufacturing all his own Nerd Wrangling tools he could supply any new equipment she might need at cost Price. In turn Don Tossalot had agreed to supply a new bottling plant, all the wrapping paper and the protection. And the Pope would have the rooms decorated and install all the new flashing neon lights.

With all the planing taken care of Stefania was so exited. In three weeks time she would be opening her new Sperm Bank in the gardens of the Vatican.


The Vatican Sperm Bank














It was whilst visiting the Household Waste Site (The Tip) in a strange town called Kidderminster to pick up some rusty nails for Ermantrude's special Gusset and Blancmange Pie, (Ermantrude was their pet Trudge Nangler and the nails and Blancmange were mixed with carrots which helped her see at night when out hunting for the elusive so called “Honest Politician's”, such a thing didn't actually exist of course, it was just a figment of their own deluded imagination as they used to hide in slurry pit's to cover their smell of greed and lies).



Stefania didn't like going to Kidderminster much ever since it it had been declared the Obesity Capital of the Universe, even including the notoriously fat Martian Trugldums








Kidderminster was strange for the cloud that permanently hung everywhere overhead, the sun never having been seen much since 1958 and no one knew why it was always so dark, that is until normal sized people realised it was the amount of Fatty's in the town who were blocking out the sun.


And the Fatty's didn't care, they had so much acreage of of flab it would take a crane and big hydrophilic lifting gear to expose all the lard and even then there would be part's of their grotesque bodies they had never seen, or were even aware of. Let's face it if your arms weren't long enough to wipe your own ass and you had to get a specially trained NHS Welfare Octopus to do it for you imagine the psychological damage to the Octopus, all that lifting and searching for where your ass actually was and after eventually finding it the stench of last nights 87 burghers and 105 pizzas you'd eaten on your special Fatty diet it's a wonder the Octopus ever found his way back out again, (The 50,000 kilowatt search light on the miners helmet's and the grappling iron's and non-slip welding gloves obviously helped)


Clearly since birth all Fatty's had the same roll model in life, their hero Mt Blobby.




 Such a great body.



To be a successful Fatty you have to learn early. For instance your mother has no idea and is certainly too lazy to learn how to cook and so as a child at the dinner table you have to learn your manners. and just how to pile on the hundredweight. You could also go with your mom to her favourite cloth's store “Rent-A-Tent” and try on several different sizes of Marquee (The advantage of Marquee's was not only the size of blubber stretching available but also because it was waterproof and you could stop wearing that bucket strapped to your thighs (Whatever the hell they were) to catch the piss you had no idea you'd done.




Such A Lovely Child

Just eat what the fat lazy cow has put in front of you and to start with never use a knife and fork they just get in your way and slow you down and “NEVER EVER let anything get in the way of you eating, it's the most important part of your life as a Fatty”. Even if you've gone off the half ton McShit burgers for breakfast there's always the hundredweight of Cheesy Chips as a snack before breakfast and your usual 5 gallons of Cola and 54 Jam doughnuts. You must keep your strength up just in case you have to take more than one step before your legs give way and you roll over like a huge ball of out of control lard (Which is what you are of course).






She'd been told it was somewhere in there

Learning at an early age that it was best not to know about sex or what and how it worked (Quite often the Stork never had a clue either), it was enough to have a rough idea of where her ass was. As to where her fanny was beneath all the layers of flab she had no idea, or what it was for, (She'd been 3 day's old the last time she'd seen it and assumed since then it had healed up. And you really think a a man would want to shag you? He'd need a 9ft long prick just to get past the first 35 layers of lard and even if he managed that what? Poke around with it in the dark to make sure it wasn't your ass with an Octopus wiping it clean. (Fart and give us a clue springs to mind).



She knew of course what a clitoris was, a type of cabbage that skinny women had and used to rub on their ears to make then randy (What ever the fuck randy was).







Fatty's Fart Cloud


A common site at night was when a Fatty farted in Kidderminster, the result of which caused all the doors and windows within a 50 mile radius to shake and normal children had to tie themselves to the bed with a bag over their heads to keep out the smell of burning blubber and the instant a Fatty let one go it could easily be seen as far away as Moscow.



By now Stefania had enough of Kidderminster and it's Fatty's and decided to clean the place up. First she got 300,000 meters of lard proof cling film and hired 150 aircraft hangers in a a remote part of President Macarony's garden at the back of the Elsi Palace. Next 250,000 pairs of earplugs and 3,000 miles of barbedwire and to finish things off 20,000 pegs.


She then rounded up all the Fatty's in a specially strengthened cattle truck, before binding them altogether with the barbedwire and wrapping each one in at least a thousand meters of the lard proof cling film and laid them down in the aircraft hangers. After issuing everyone within a thousand mile radius with pegs for their noses and warning everyone to stay at home for at least 3 month's she went and phoned the NHS Octopus Clinic and informed them that using the poor creatures to clean Fatty's bums was a crime and it had to stop immediately.


She then went to President Macarony's head chef and ordered 25,000 portion's of wild raw king sized snails in extra hot Vindaloo sauce which was then served up to each of the Fatty's and having devoured each hundredweight with relish Stafania locked and bolted the doors and put a sign outside “ BEWARE FATTY'S - DO NOT DISTURB.


Without the help of the NHS Octopuses to wipe the Fatty's ass's the smell soon became too much even for the Fatty's themselves and all their noses exploded as the blubber began to melt, running down their never been seen before legs in torrents until at last all was left was a huge blob of lard.

The blubber was eventually collected and used to fertilise most of Africa and Stefania and Mario went home knowing they had improved the lives of the remaining residents of Kidderminster






Isn't She Loveley













A Slur On Chicken's

Gladys had been sat by the Olympic size swimming pool in her wardrobe one day shearing the Gnu for a new winter coat when the shocking news came on the radio:

"The BBC announced today that the President of the EU Jean Claud Von Rumpy Pumpy has issued a statement that a law banning any further reference in a public place as to why chickens cross the road is to be introduced "




The Spokesblob

"A non gender spokesblob announced that this disgusting practice enquiring into a chicken's private life will be considered as an invasion of privacy and offenders will be subject to the full force of the law".


The next day Gladys contacted her friend Alicia Plunge in the Bewdley WI Secret service section MAYJS (Move And You're Jam Sucker).

"What's going on Alicia, all this bollocks about not telling chicken jokes?"

Alicia put aside the barbed wire underpants she'd been knitting for the new President of Wyre Forest District Council, Donald Trumpet-Mongrel.




Gang Member

"Well dear it appears from our intelligence that a chicken from a remote part of the Amazon jungle has recently sent a text to the EU President in Rumpy Pumpy City. (This had previously been known as Brussels but as all the 93 million residents now worked fiddling the expenses for the EU the new name seemed more appropriate). Claiming that the question of Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road was "Insulting and degrading".

The chicken translation department had sent over a copy.

"This disgusting question was an insult to chickens all over the world, do you seriously think they themselves didn't know why they crossed the bloody road".

"It's to buy drugs from the gangs of juvenile chicks on the council coop estates you moron. You could always spot them hanging around the back of the Hutcho Techs, with their shaved heads and fashionably styled razored wing feathers, hob nailed walnut shell Doc Martina's and the sharpened eggshell impregnated celery sticks strapped to their backs.

When I was a chick you were always taught by the Family Planning officers at Bewdley Comprehensive Chicken School that you stayed away from these types of hens, or you could end up being wrapped in cling film on a shelf in Sainsbury's being tied up with your legs stuck up you bum”


Lotti and a Punter  

There's always lots of Henstitutes hanging around the condom machines strutting on dangerously high heeled claws and showing off shaved legs covered in tattoos, back-combed feather wigs piled high and wearing long false hen lashes and vivid red beak stick. And they don't care who the punters are, they'll go with anything for 3 grains of seed, bloody inter-breeders. And they don't care what the neighbours say. That slut "Lotti Picklebeak's" the worst, lets the local hutcherhood down something rotten.



Then there's the Mufia that control the drugs of course, this month's specials are spliffs consisting of one third Trill, one third heroin and one third powdered whale sperm known as "Happy Cockerel". And then there's the purple and green striped "Chinese Mandarin LSD Eggstasy" pills.


Mind you the drugs is the only thing that takes your mind off things. I suppose you think its easy laying bleedin eggs all the time like you've never got anything better to do. It was alright before they knocked down the old Hens R Us Cluck and Strutting Club and instead built those luxury high rise coops by the new waterside pond development (Got hot and cold running seed's, feather and claw clipping salons and even their own Jaccusi bum masseurs for after a hard day's laying). You could go to the old place and have a few Gin and Limes with your mates, play Peck the Cat, have a good cluck and Strut around all day. Not any more mate, I'm too knackered. Went to the Bewdley Henstitute the other night for the Line Dancing, me legs was aching so much I kept falling out of the line on me beak and everyone thought I was doing the Hokey bleedin Cokey.



President Cluck

Anyway how would you like it eh? Squeezing all them soddin things out of your ass every day? Eh? Well let me tell you that unless you're drugged out of your tiny bleedin mind its bleedin painful mate. And despite all this stress we have to put up with you lot taking the piss with stupid bloody jokes.

Why don't you humans leave us alone eh, we aint done nothing wrong to you lot. Thought humans were supposed to be intelligent enough not to ask such stupid sodin questions. How wrong can a bleedin chicken be.

Over the years Gladys had heard enough pathetic Conservative Club Chicken Jokes and sympathised with the overworked and worn out hens and immediately despatched Albert and the Gnu to the Amazon with a supply of her home made Liver and Marmalade jam and various sized Curry flavoured Whoopy Cushions. Together they should add some spice to the chickens lives.